School bully in running for title of Panchen Lama

The Kensington School for boys in Scunthorpe was forced to send its students home today over increasing excitement that one of its students, 10-year-old Roddy Maddox, may be appointed a holy lama.

As more and more religious scholars, journalists and Buddhist merchandise salesmen arrived at the scene, it was decided by the school board to lock up shop and concentrate on signing profitable interview deals with Mongolian and Tibetan media instead.

Meanwhile the focus of the attention, little Roddy Maddox, has been kept in strict solitary undergoing needle point scrutinizing by Mongolian holymen who guided by some acid dreams, a rainbow and a local newspaper ad had decided that Scunthorpe might be the place to find their new Panchen Lama.

Unusually, the Tibetans already have a Panchen Lama but the Chinese chose him and he hasn't performed any miracles this season so they are planning to pension him off to the Taoists once an alternative has been found.

Roddy's English teacher, Simon Fellows, was over the moon with the sacred testing. "Oh, were are all terribly exited," he told The Rockall Times. "Although I must confess that the choice of Roddy surprised me. Not just because he's not Mongolian or that he shows very little interest in religion or the concept of learning, but because he's such a little twat."

Indeed, Roddy's inappropriateness for taking over the role of a holy and wise master has been commented on by others. "He smells like poo," said clasemate Andy Jones. "A real git," agreed cricket coach Terry Jodle. "A gimp, a sod and a brat," continued the Parkins girl triplets.

"Oh, he's such a little sweetheart," smiled Roddy's really fat mum during an exclusive interview with Nepal's most esteemed reporter Anghalayana Samahasurtra Ghurunguru, currently hosting the Yeti weekly on Nepal TV3.

"Sure I was a bit worried at first, with all those hooded saffron-robed men scurrying about the back yard in the middle of the night looking for him, but as soon they told me I'd be on telly, we all got on fine," said mum.

A peek through one the family albums paints a picture of a very multi-talented young man. "Oh, here's one where Roddy's got that little weasel Andy Jones by the neck deep in a barrel of water. He's so strong my Roddy," bragged mum, turning the page. "And here's one where he's throwing water balloons at the local drunkard. He so funny my Roddy," continued mum turning another page. "And here he's just raided the girl's school and stolen a pair of knickers. He's such a brave little boy."

Faced with the new facts a spokesholyman confessed that there were some worrying discrepancies in the morals of the boy who's supposed to be the reincarnation of the deputy Eternal Wise One (playing second fiddle only to the Dalai Lama), but that they just couldn't overlook the revelations of the sacred stones, their yoga visions or the marketing value of having a rogue foreign Lama.