Classified ads 19.05.03

For Sale

• Established currency. Soon to be surplus to requirements. Suit country wishing to move on from barter system. Please write in strictest confidence to Mr G. Brown, 11 Downing Street.
• Do you have rival you wish to discredit? You need all new "Links to Terrorism". Available in three varieties: Tenuous, Extremely Tenuous and Official Dossier. Special offer on France this month. Email: blackops@pentagon.com

Positions Vacant

• Successful high street retailer requires staff. Seeking professional, smart people with good customer-facing skills. Ability to insert love eggs will be an advantage. Must find chocolate genitalia both hilarious and palatable. Email: jobs@annsummers.co.uk

Wanted

• Crime-free utopia. To be achieved through arming the police. Based on successful American model. Email: pieinsky@police.gov.uk
• Terrorism-free utopia. To be achieved through bombing oil third world countries. Based on successful Iraq/Afghanistan model. Email: pieinsky@us.gov