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Smoking is good for you

The secret to a longer life may have been discovered in the most unlikeliest of places according to scientists this week — the cigarette.

According to a report published this week in the British Made-up Medical Journal, not only does a "drag" on a cigarette do you no harm but lengthy and regular exposure to the unique chemicals within cigarettes can actually lengthen your life.

The report, generously aided by a token amount of funds from the tobacco industry, is the first of its kind to concentrate on the many benefits of smoking and controversially ends up recommending a minimum of 60 a day for every man, woman and child.

According to the report's findings, asthmatics will be able to throw away their inhalers, heart attack victims will benefit from unfurred arteries and those with cancer will seen the disease go into remission — all simply by increasing their consumption of high-tar cigarettes.

Speaking from the Intensive Care Unit, where he was recovering from a sextuple heart bypass and having had both lungs removed, the report's author confirmed that he had smoked all his life and reached the grand old age of 34 without any ill effects.

A spokesman from Action Against Smoking said told The Rockall Times: "We are against smoking and you all know what I'm going to say, so here is a photocopy my response from last time and a tape of me saying it for the radio. Goodbye."

Meanwhile, we eagerly await a similar report due next month on beer, authored by several eminent scientists who were generously supplied with funds from the brewing industry because a lack of financial support from elsewhere would have meant this important work would not have been completed otherwise.

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