Rockall classified ads 26.05.03

For Sale

• Three-bedroom flat in urban block. In extensive need of renovation. Ideal for very short first-time buyer. Prime central Algiers location. Write to: Ahmed, Ground Floor (formerly 11th Floor), Algeria.
• Large factory, available August. Includes 870 workers (optional). Handy for shops and enormous government grants. Email: sales@lg.com

Positions Vacant

• Government wishes to expand Statistical Massage department after successful asylum seekers project. Need person able to manipulate figures. Suit Ken Dodd's accountant or similar. Email: a.campell@gov.uk
• Senior Army position available immediately. Applicants must have no propensity whatsoever for pistol-whipping. Cigar smokers need not apply. Email: commander@royal-irish-regiment.mil.uk

Lost and Found

• Government seeks united front. Has gone missing since talks on Euro began in earnest. Reward offered — currency to be determined. Email: t.blair@spineless.gov.uk
• Desperately seeking Clare Short. Last seen gobbbing off on TV, now disappeared off face of earth. £2 reward for information. No timewasters. Email: has-beens@dustbinofhistory.gov.uk

Wanted

• Eternally youthful people. Large telecoms company requires non-ageing working force to avert pension's crisis. Suit Cliff Richard or similar. Email: jobs@bt.com
• Talented actor requires script for film sequel. Must be a rollercoaster of emotion, containing thought-provoking levels of pathos and philosophy. Must also feature killer cyborg wearing sunglasses. Dialogue optional. Email: arney@hollywood.com
• Musical genius seeks insurance against getting uglier. Must be competitively priced, as quotes so far have been on the high side. Write to: Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, Broadway.