Elections to be scrapped as 'too competitive'

The government is considering scrapping traditional elections after a hard-hitting report demonstrated that the losers often suffered long-term psychological trauma and struggled in later life.

It also slammed the "winner takes all" approach which has recently seen less able Labour candidates huffing and puffing tearfully at the back of the local election three-legged race.

"Right now the system we have is just so black and white: you win the election or you lose it," explained one Labour MP for a marginal seat in the south-east. "Last month's council elections showed just how wrong that is. We've got failed candidates who'll spend the rest of their lives with a deep feeling of inadequacy. This problem must be tackled as a matter of urgency."

The new concept would see political debate and campaigning carrying on as usual — albeit in a non-threatening way — but with seats allocated by an independent arbitrator, such as Tony Blair, on the basis of overall merit rather than mere electoral prowess.

In fact, there have already been moves to make the system less cruel over the past few years. Trained spin doctors regularly appear on TV during elections adding a positive slant to even the most crushing and humiliating defeat. "It's all part of boosting people's self-esteem," noted one pundit who once described the total destruction of the Tory party at the last general election as "a fantastic learning process for the Conservatives and something they can build upon for the future. They must be delighted".

He did, however, concede that the new proposals may have come too late for some: "Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock never really recovered," he lamented wistfully.

Political commentators expect that any bill to introduce these improvements will attract a large majority in the House of Commons. "But we're not going to go down that route," Tony Blair clarified to his few remaining supporters, "because voting is inherently divisive. We'll just go ahead and do it instead."