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Revealed: The sex benefits of joining the euro

In a shock counter-offensive against Golden Brown's five economic tests, Emperor and Dynasty-Founder Anthony Aloysius Blair has announced to his subjects that the main benefit of joining the euro will be on Britain's sex life.

A study, funded by the Frog-lover Party, has found unequivocal evidence that integration into the monetary system will improve the sex life of every man in the kingdom. It will increase potency by at least 78 per cent and the frequency of intercourse by a whopping 350 per cent, while enabling a man to pull any bird he chooses.

It was thought that this revelation would alienate some women voters, until the study revealed it had also concluded that the euro system's unified interest rates would put the "not tonight" headache within the reach of even minimum wage females.

Other benefits of joining the euro are thought to include:

• A larger "continental style" penis for every British male
• 10 per cent increase in ejaculate, with sperm motility up 17 per cent
• Beer guts reduced by 58 per cent
• Firmer breasts and slimmer thighs for all women over 30, plus the guarantee of orgasm on demand
• The exciting prospect of the entire population of the UK being comprehensively fuc*ked by every non-Briton in the EU for the next ten years

Foreign Secretary Jack Straw was visibly aroused at the news: "It can't come soon enough for me," he told The Rockall Times while peering through his thick glasses at an enormous tenting of his tweed trousers. "You should see the size of my right arm."

Conservatives were cautious in their welcome for the report. While the benefits for some of their balder, quieter members would be self-evident, grandees such as Lord Parkinson and Lord Archer were rumoured to have remarked that they'd never had any trouble in that department, apart from when serving prison sentences for perjury, naturally.

Deputy History man John celebrated the news with a few pints at his local. "I am unequivalent," he told The Rockall Times, "and if scrapping the pound helps with the legover, then I'm testing the valency and will my full conclusiveness to."

Meanwhile, the man on the street seems non-plussed. "I can't see what the fuss is about," admitted one young man drinking a vodka and jojoba extract alcopop in a Basingstoke sports' bar. "Things are fine just as they are: sixteen pints then a quick five-finger shuffle between the bird's tits before crashing into a coma. What do we need Europe for anyway?"

Next week:

Women carrying euros 69 per cent more likely to swallow, doctors confirm

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