How to make the most of 'plumped' meat

The news that the Food Standards Agency is happy to approve the sale of chicken, pork and beef "plumped up" with liberal injections of water, chemicals, and organic urine is a great step forward in creating a nutritious, balanced diet for every man, woman and child in Britain, we can reveal.

So, while it's reassuring to know that we're doing our bodies no harm — and probably some good — by ingesting chicken fillets that are at least 80 per cent e.coli and water-based chemical residue, what should we eat with them to maximise the health benefits?

Luckily, the FSA has now published a list of which other food and drink products you can safely consume at each meal to compliment steroid-excited chicken, GM-enabled pork, or gelatine-marbled beef. These include:

Breakfast

• Bowl of chocolate flavoured anything
• Large glass of Sunny D (purple colour flavour)
• Sausages (sawdust and emulsifier premium pork variety)
• Breakfast energy punch bar (minimum 75 per cent sugar)

Lunch

• Bowl of chocolate flavoured anything
• Large glass of Sunny D (pink colour flavour)
• "Luncheable" salted cracker and processed cheese platter combo
• Lettuce (not to be eaten — for show only)

Dinner

• Bowl of chocolate flavoured anything
• Microwaveable fun-sized pizza with "interesting" topping (e.g. salami and jam/cheese and peanut butter/chocolate and chocolate)
• KFC family bucket
• Large bottle of Sunny D (coca-cola colour flavour)
• Party tub of proto-strawberry Neapolitan vegetable fat ice cream topped with aerosol cream
• Bumper bag of vitamin-enhanced glow-in-the-dark jelly beans ("Kids love 'em!")

Notes for parents

1. The recommended dosage of chocolate should be doubled for children under five, especially those suffering from lethargy
2. Salt is good, natural stuff. The sea is packed with it and when did you last hear of a dolphin suffering a stroke?
3. Organic is a Latin word that means, in English, a waste of money. The so-called "producers" use no additives or chemicals at all yet charge twice the price
4. The "five pieces of fruit and veg a day" canard can be safely ignored. If you're worried about this then remember that chocolate is made from cocoa beans that are a sort of vegetable and Sunny D is sort of fruity coloured fruit derivative

The FSA study has been sponsored by the major supermarkets and is completely free of nutritional bias.