So, what are your chances of being suicide bombed?

There was public outrage last night when it was revealed that the average Briton has a better chance of winning the National Lottery jackpot than of being killed by a suicide bomber. Furthermore, the odds of becoming a suicide bomb victim are virtually zero outside London.

A government spokesman later condemned the situation and pledged to bring in a law, appoint a team of advisors and hold a public enquiry, although not necessarily in that order. He also admitted that delays might be incurred due to the current shortage of people who have shared a flat with Tony Blair and are not already employed full-time on government business.

Life president Blur is expected to explain in a speech later today that while anyone anywhere in Britain has a 1 in 57 chance of winning £10 on the lottery, rising to a 1 in 13,983,816 chance of winning the jackpot, this equality of opportunity is not being made available to the potential victims of suicide bombers.

"I pledge," Blur will exclaim with a sincere look, "that within the next ten years, everyone in my kingdom will have the same chance of being suicide bombed regardless of race, sexuality or where they live."

"Furthermore, the odds will be better than on the Lotto game, with a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of being killed outright, and a 1 in 250 possibility of being wounded by shrapnel. What's more, I guarantee that 1 person in 50, regardless of location, will at least be traumatised by a suicide bombing outrage."

"Och aye, it's a disgrace," said a stereotyped Hebridean Islander. "London gets everything. What chance do I have of being the victim of a suicide bomber? I wouldnae even hear the bang."