Manchester United stand by Tourette's Syndrome sufferer

Premier League champions Manchester United have confirmed that they will stand by the Tourette's Syndrome (TS) sufferer who, despite having contributed greatly to the club's recent success, may pose a physical danger to himself and those around him.

TS is a neurological disorder characterised by tics — involuntary, rapid, sudden movements or vocalisations that occur repeatedly. Sufferers can also manifest extreme rage and even physically attack others using anything which comes to hand.

But the United board are convinced that the advantages of extending the individuals contract will greatly outweigh the disadvantages of having a highly volatile lunatic about who offends pretty well everyone he meets. "Alex Ferguson has a proven record of success," one director explained. "If the docs say his brain is a bit wobbly, that's no concern of ours, of our shareholders, of our Far Eastern fan base, and certainly not of our replica kit division."

However, the news that the club will be retaining the services of a known carrier of the debilitating disease has worried some potential recruits. Top US keeper Tim Howard, who was considering a move to Old Trafford, has told reporters: "No cussing wacko is going to come at me with a soccer boot, no siree."

Asked whether or not it was a nice day Ferguson retorted: "That's the most stupid fuc*king question I've ever heard. Get the fuc*k out of here."