Government attempts to combat voter apathy

Following the disappointing turnout in the recent local government elections, president Blair has unveiled a number of new measures aimed at encouraging people to exercise their democratic muscles.

Increasingly it would appear that people need more incentive to vote than merely getting to select the government of their choice. As the man on the street is quick to point out, most people have enough problems — with crime, unemployment, poor public services, excessive taxation and asylum seekers — without also having to worry about who's running the country.

The cornerstone of the new initiatives will be the new "voters reward card". This will enable voters to collect points when they participate in electoral activities. Points will be awarded on a sliding scale as per the following table:

Activity	Points gained
Watching party political broadcast	10 points
Berating non-voters about how you had to take on a German tank, unarmed, in order to preserve Democracy whilst all they have to do is put a cross on a piece of paper	30 points
Getting into a violent fist fight with John Prescott	40 points
Knowing the name of your MP	50 points
Voting (non-Labour)	100 points
Voting (Labour)	1000 points

Details are sketchy as to what people will be able to exchange their points for, but President Blair has promised that they will be "really good, not just glasses and tat like that. Maybe an ID card. There's a thought." There was some criticism of the apparent points discrepancy between Labour and non-Labour votes, but Mr Blair neatly side-stepped the issue by pointing out that having an enormous Commons majority means he can do pretty much what he wants.

Other initiatives in the scheme are aimed at young voters. Figures indicate that the 18-25 age group are the most inactive of voters, an unsurprising statistic when you consider that most of them barely have enough energy to utter a coherent sentence from beneath their hooded tops.

In order to save these indolent youths the tedious business of actually leaving their bedrooms, it has been suggested that they be allowed to vote via text messaging.

This idea has however been criticised by the Conservative party who fear that the longer name of their caretaker leader, Ian Duncan Smith, will put off many potential voters. Here at The Rockall Times, we feel they may be missing a trick and should appoint a leader whose name contains no vowels whatsoever.