Too few nurses? Nonsense, says Milburn

Health secretary Alan Milburn has slammed reports that the capital is suffering from a massive shortage of nursing staff.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," said the strangely charismatic Geordie, famous for never listening, "and I share a room with Tony Blair and John Prescott every week."

Speaking to enraptured journalists at a meeting to promote diversity within the health service which featured erotic ads targeted to attract Albanians, Iraqis and Romanians to the NHS.

Standing in front of a giant recruitment poster of a scantily clad and dusky nurse ("We need you! But I want you!"), Milburn thrilled listeners with his monotone delivery.

In the four-hour presentational tour-de-force, Milburn laid bare his very soul to convince those not watching of his commitment to both the NHS and his future political career. Or so the press release says.

Milburn went on to make clear his opposition to those "moaning minnies" who have sought to undermine his efforts "simply by pointing out things that we've got wrong".

"I mean," continued the ruthlessly ambitious makeweight, "it's not as if there's any alternative to what we're suggesting. Most of those who are objecting to the reduced number of staff are nothing more than socialist agitators.

"Remember: the problem is not the number of nurses, it's the number of patients," he patiently explained. "If we can get the amount of people claiming to be sick down then we should have enough nurses. Better still we'll be able to reduce the number we employ because their workload goes down."

However Milburn has made it clear that he does not expect those who are sick to have to cope for themselves or not to be ill. "Of course not — we're expecting people to take out private medical insurance. Did you know that if you join the Labour Party you can get a five per cent discount from BUPA?"