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  Monday 2nd June 2003  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Our guide to terror-free holiday destinations

Where to go at home when you can't go abroad
by Alan Roberts

With terrorism running around the world like a headless chicken on Angel Dust and Britons more at risk than anyone else thanks to Tony Blair's brave decision to write himself into the history books, holidaying abroad is now just too dangerous for those not attached to media organisations. But where can you go instead of your favourite foreign bolthole?

Worry no more. We at The Rockall Times have provided this cut-up-and-keep guide to a domestic alternative for each overseas destination so you can relax and have a beer while your elected representatives get on with the business of making the world a safer, more loving place.

Foreign destination: Indonesia

  • Why can't you go there? With al-Qaeda on the warpath in south-east Asia, the average Westerner's life expectancy is about 35 minutes. Two pints and you fall to pieces. Literally.
  • UK replacement: Notting Hill.
  • How so? A similar mix of people but with an easy availability of drugs.

Foreign destination: Morocco

  • Why can't you go there? With al-Qaeda on the warpath the average Westerner's life expectancy is about 30 minutes. Two hookah pipes and you fall to pieces.
  • UK replacement: Bournemouth.
  • How so? Similar mix of sun, sand and young boys available for rent.

Foreign destination: Israel

  • Why can't you go there? Suicide bombers on every bus.
  • UK replacement: Golders Green.
  • How so? Same atmosphere but with less suicide bombings — so far.

Foreign destination: China

  • Why can't you go there? SARS.
  • UK replacement: Your local takeaway.
  • How so? Experience all you want from the Orient, accompanied by egg fried rice, without the expense or hassle.

Foreign destination: France

  • Why can't you go there? With Jacques Chirac on the warpath, the local population is seething over UK support for George Dubya
  • UK replacement: Thames Gateway Village.
  • How so? A similar mix of sophisticated shops, restaurants, bars and cafes all connected by superb public transport links (by 2025 anyway) somewhere to the east of London.

Foreign destination: Germany

  • Why can't you go there? Well you can, but why would you want to.
  • UK replacement: Burnley.
  • How so? Similarly full of neo-Nazis and with a healthy "guest worker" population. Currywurst available as "sausage and curry sauce".

Foreign Destination: United States

  • Why can't you go there? Nothing to do with terrorism in this case. With rates of obesity amongst Britons rising to previously unheard of heights, a trip to the land of the fat and home of the gigantic could push your cholesterol up to imminent-death levels. And thanks to American gratitude over the War for the Oilfields there's is every chance locals will insist on you ingesting vast amounts of their grub.
  • UK replacement: Anywhere.
  • How so? Because with American companies running everything, adverts in American voices, cinemas showing American films, a huge array of American-style "food" available across the UK and American TV garbage emptying its bowels on UK terrestrial TV, you can enjoy the comfort of the USA anywhere in the UK without having to get on a plane and be blown up by tweezer-bearing Islamic extremists.
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