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Boffins capture nature's smallest particle

The scientific community indulged in a hearty round of backslapping this week, following the discovery of a miniscule new particle.

The breakthrough, made at Welford University, Northants, occurred after months of what the proud team described as "pissing around with the new electron-microscope we bought from the Roy Castle cancer fund".

The new particle is said to be many times smaller than the previous smallest particle — the neutrino — which itself is pretty titchy.

Said project leader, Dr Richard Nano: "We're talking super extremely small. You might think a pinhead is pretty small but you could take one of the thousands of fairies dancing on top of it and it would still be able to stomp this particle as if it were some kind of molecular Godzilla."

Dr Nano went on to explain how the impetus behind the search for the tiny, tiny thing. "We were watching Celebrity Driving School in the rec room. After a while it occurred to me that if talent was somehow a tangible substance, they must have such a minute amount of it that it was virtually undetectable but since they were on the telly if must exist in some form. I mean, ITV wouldn't just stick on any old rubbish."

However, this narcotic-inspired thought process was to bear fruit over the following months as endless viewing of reality TV shows and daytime chat shows led Dr Nano to postulate the existence of a new particle he named the microtalenton. Unfortunately, it appeared that the number of microtalentons emitted by his subjects as their TV careers decayed were so small that the chances of detecting one were remote.

Fortunately for Dr Nano and his team, they were able to attend the recording a charity single by a group of 1980s artists. "It was a real Eureka moment," explained the animated scientist. "When Bananarama walked in, we immediately erected the lead sheilding and were able at close range to safely verify the presence of millions of microtalentons. The rest, as they say, is history."

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