Man in Kappa tracksuit lifts award for European Capital of Culture

Calm down calm down plead judges

by Jon Heal and Degsy

The awards ceremony for European Capital of Culture 2004 was thrown into disarray last night when the title itself was stolen from under the noses of the judging panel.

"I was going to announce the city honoured with exemplifying all areas of the arts for 2004 — which I obviously still can't name at this stage," said committee chairman Hans Spick, "but when I looked for the envelope and the cup, and they were gone."

Event security operatives noticed a particularly hirsute man in a Kappa tracksuit looking shifty, but had no grounds to throw the man out of the ceremony. He had vanished by the time the theft was reported. "Reports state the suspect had a regional accent originating from the North West of England," added Spick. "Good manners prevent me from describing him as a Scouser."

Our Barry, Liverpool's Councillor for the Arts and That, fired back during an angry press conference this morning: "I strongly refute these allegations that a Liverpudlian may have been responsible for this theft. This is a typical example of the negative stereotyping the loveable, chirpy, Beatle-esque folk of this fair city have to put up with. Besides which, doze bizzies can't prove nott'n."

Meanwhile, the news that Liverpool has been chosen as next year's European City of Culture in the first place has caused raised eyebrows all over Roger Moore's face, writes Degsy.

Those who queried how the earthly paradise that is Merseyside managed to finish above such apparently more deserving locations as Venice, Valencia, Gothenburg, and Vienna are being told to "get a life". The distinguished team of judges made the enlightened decision following the receipt of envelopes with wedges of thieved fifties and the promise of free season tickets to see Wayne Rooney's thighs.

Experts estimate that the award will help to create up to 200 jobs, thereby doubling employment in the city at a stroke, and is likely to lead to thousands more tourists visiting the chic destination.

In the wake of the announcement, the same judges are poised to grant similarly well-deserved awards to other key British locations, as follows:

European City of Art

Milton Keynes is odds-on favourite due to the "beauty and originality" of its concrete cows.

European City of Sport

Milton Keynes is again odds-on favourite, this time due to its success in attracting super-club Wimbledon to relocate to the local rec. Next up to the Roundabout Dome are expected to be the Brooklyn Dodgers.

European City of London

Expected to once again go to the front-runner, the City of London.

European City of Business

A toss-up between Slough Trading Estate and New Delhi Call Centre Business Park (qualifies because all the employers are British firms). With their 80-hour weeks and no time off for loo breaks, both provide a shining light to our European brethren as to just how the workers should be treated.

European City of Food

Glasgow's miles ahead in the culinary stakes thanks to such famous delicacies as deep-fried Mars bar, Irn-Bru 'n' chips, and mild and bitter granita sorbet.

European City of Singing

Nul entrants.

Other nominations include:

European City of Paedophiles: Portsmouth
European City of Dread: Brixton
European City of Phal: Bradford
European City of Joyriding: Manchester
European City of the Archbishop of Canterbury: Canterbury
European City of Firearms: Winchester
European City of Asylum: Dover
European City of Angels: Los Angeles

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