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Trawl Rockall for:

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GM crops: What every parent should know

In support of the government's roadshow currently touring the UK to inform and educate the unwashed masses as to the pros and cons of GM foods, we at The Rockall Times have persuaded some fanatic from the Soil Association to tell our readers every single pertinent fact surrounding the issue, plus a few bonus facts exclusive to this publication and not available on the rental DVD.

So, if you're worried that GM soya protein might gives your sons breasts like Jordan's, or that GM tomato puree causes infertility in women, read on. Those questions won't be answered, but these will:

So, what's all the fuss about?

People are worried this stuff that will kill us all.

What stuff?

GM crops.

GM crops?

Bad stuff dude. Frankenstein food. Very bad... playing God, sterile seeds, wiping out strains... pestilence and woe...

All right, calm yourself.

Sorry... but they're very bad.

How very bad?

Well they're crops that have been modified for no good reason.

In what way?

To make them healthier, more disease resistant and more productive so more people get fed for less. Terrifying.

So there'll be more food?

Yes.

And better food?

Yes.

And healthier food?

Yes.

Less diseased?

Yes.

And that's bad?

Of course it is. Do you know what a problem we have with obesity here in the West right now? If these people aren't stopped filling their fat faces with cheap nosh the consequences could be apocalyptic.

Good point. But what about in the Third World?

Well luckily the rates of obesity are much lower there. For now. But if they get access to unlimited GM grub they'll end up as lardy as we are. That would be terrible don't you think?

But surely they'll all die of AIDS first?

Actually, that makes it worse. The ten per cent of Africans expected to survive AIDS would then have their own GM rations plus huge stockpiles of food left by the other 90 per cent.

Blimey, I never thought of it like that. So who makes these GM foods?

Must be General Motors I guess.

Aren't they the car people?

Yes, but they must have diversified.

Makes you wonder about those cutbacks at the Vauxhall plant doesn't it? Maybe they could produce GM crops instead.

Good point — I'll put it in our next leaflet.

By the way, what's Bono's opinion of all this?

I'm sure he'll be giving forth on the subject real soon.

Thank God for that.

Absolutely. Where is the guy when you need him?