New NHS 'Health Passport' is death sentence for Prescott

The life expectancy of Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has been reduced to a matter of months following the release of a new health service document making treatment dependent on lifestyle.

Reallocation to a new less demanding post for the Minister With No Responsibilities Whatsoever may now be in order but it is thought unlikely that any such thing exists anywhere in the government.

The unveiling of the document has caused shock around Westminster. Although its working title was How To Cut Costs And Kill Off The Undeserving, it is being released publicly as Better Health Care For All Our People In The New Britain.

Under the new guidelines, patients will be entitled to free treatment only if they promise to eat, drink and behave healthily. Should they refuse, they will be left to die, although minimal healthcare will be provided to ensure that they last long enough to spend any remaining savings on exchequer-friendly booze and fags.

Twenty-eight stone Prescott is reckoned to be the most likely "headline" politician to "go soon". Although exceptions to the guidelines can be made "in the national interest" experts believe it highly unlikely that Prescott has any chance of meeting this criteria.

However, pundits last night pointed out that so little has been seen of the Hercules from Hull during the past few months that he could well be dead already.