Umbongo, Umbongo, they shoot it in the Congo

With UN peacekeepers hot off the plane in the Democratic Republic of Congo, we at The Rockall Times have compiled a handy Q&A factsheet for the most commonly asked questions surrounding this troubled land.

Indeed, our 24/7 information hotline desk has been busier than a whore's chuff since last week's intervention by the international community. Queries have so far ranged from: "Where?", and "What's that got to do with Big Brother, eh?" to "I'm drunk and I've lost the TV remote. Any ideas?"

Well, to set the record straight and give our dedicated call-centre operators a well-deserved break, here is everything you actually need to know about the latest genocidal African civil war:

Democratic Republic of Congo? Never heard of it.

Don't blame yourself. It's on the news continent of Africa, which was only recently rediscovered by journalists after a couple of years on the media backburner.

Oh yeah, I remember — starving kids, machetes, tribal madness, AIDS.

That's the one.

Well no offence, but it just sounds like Rwanda II.

Indeed, but there are UN troops involved this time, so we have a proper human interest angle. After all, it's white boys who are putting their necks on the line out there.

Which countries are doing their bit for world peace?

We've got a few RAF lads advising, but mostly it's the French.

Thank God for the French, eh?

Right. Lord alone knows where we'd be without their commitment to world peace.

So, what's the problem?

More than 50,000 people have so far died in fighting between the rival Lendu and Hema tribes. The whole place is a bloody mess.

It's just the two tribes then is it?

Yes, that's the accepted norm.

What happens in a multi-tribal genocidal civil war?

The two strongest tribes kill the others and then start on each other.

Why can't they just learn to live in peace and harmony?

They did before the Belgians claimed their slice of the Dark Continent. The Belgians are to blame for the whole thing.

Surely it's a bit of a stretch to blame all Africa's problems on colonialism?

No. Like we said, it's the Belgians we're talking about here.

What's Bob Geldof got to say about it?

"Stop yer fookin' fighting for fook's sake."

Can we expect a international peace concert and fundraising single, then?

Yup. Celine Dion has already signed up for the first line of the second verse and Bono will being doing two choruses along with Will Young and Sting.

Mary, Mother of Jesus. Have these people not suffered enough?

Apparently not.

So, will the DRC be instantly transformed into an earthly democratic paradise?

Like Iraq?

Exactly.

Yes.

I'm convinced. How can I help?

No need — you'll have forgotten the whole sorry story by next week.

Excellent, so I can spend the money on beer instead?

Certainly. Fancy a pint?

Marvellous. See you there.