Beckham transfer news famine shocks sport desks

There was uproar in the world of replica kit sales publicity yesterday, when 24 hours passed with no club on earth issuing a statement about their imminent purchase of England hair model David Beckham.

Readers scanning their morning papers were unable to find any comment from the Real Madrid director of football, the millionaire owner of AC Milan, or the prospective chairman of Barcelona concerning the professional advertiser.

Nor was there any news emanating from Old Trafford as to whether they would or would not be prepared to give up their "most prized asset" and what it would mean for the state of the team. Estate agents in Spain and fashionistas in Italy had nothing to say on imminent house buying or trunks full of designer clobber being packed and readied for shipment.

It is understood that several newspapers had to substantially reduce the amount of space given over to sport, allowing for more in-depth coverage of Big Brother.

Our own attempts to find groundless rumours with which to base a factually novel story were in vain. Our source at Inter Milan was "out to lunch", the directors of Roma were "on the beach" and Bayern Munich's distinguished chief of football was away fathering his 96th child.

Normal service is expected to be resumed tomorrow.