Those Cabinet changes in empty

The nation was transfixed this week, waiting for the choices of Tony Blair on who would join his next juggernaut to New Utopia.

For weeks now, conversation has been of little else other than who should be the assistant deputy under-secretary for agricultural equipment procurement — with even the most insular of communities being overcome by the politics bug.

"Who cares whether Britney Spears slept with me last night, what I want to know is where will John Reid go next," said Number Four from pop group Blue.

Well, readers need lose no more sleep over this matter as we at The Rockall Times give you this handy cut-out-and-keep guide to who's hot and who's not on the ceramic hob of British politics:

Health Secretary

Out: Alan Geordie. Seen as a future leader of the party, his sensational decision to leave the cabinet to spend more time with his family was reported as if fact. Seen as a brilliant moderniser with fantastically brilliant ideas for making health in Britain brilliantly better for all of us. However, his skill at spotting a sinking ship and biding his time may aid the former minister in years to come.

In: Dr John Reid. Seen as a future leader of the party, the brooding Reid has adapted from being a hopelessly dogmatic Marxist to becoming a hopelessly dogmatic Blairite. Shot to fame when accusing George Smiley of framing the prime minister over the Iraqi Ice Cream Weapons dossier that he now prefers not to talk about.

Lord Chancellor

Out: Lord Wallpaper of Arrogance. Rumoured to already be pottering around B&Q before decorating his humble mansions on the Isle of Skye, Lord Wallpaper once described his task as "bringing justice to the common man" — a delicious joke much enjoyed in political circles. His tenure was so successful that his job is now to be abolished after 1,800,000 years. Taught Tony Blair everything he knows about justice and the sanctity of probity.

In: Lord Flatmate of Fatmate. Known as Cheerful Charlie, the £50 in rent that Tony Blair still owes him from a squat in Dalston has been paid back by way of a series of ministerial posts. Never elected to anything, Lord Flatmate makes it clear that "the Dome is my finest moment but only so far".

Welsh Secretary

	Out: Peter Hain. Seen as a future leader of the party, the top-notch Hain now manages to promote the EU with precisely the same level of enthusiasm with which he used to berate the Common Market.
	In: Lord Flatmate of Fatmate. Again.

Scottish Secretary

	Out: Helen Liddell. Never seen as a future leader of the party, the hapless Liddell's departure justification in asking, "to reclaim my private life" is reckoned by many to be one of the least plausible excuses ever. A close personal friend of Robert Maxwell she reportedly still keeps his photo by her bedside and rubs herself while gazing into the limpid pools of his oyster eyes.
	In: Lord Flatmate of Fatmate. Again.

Minister for Paperclips

	Out: Blair Babe one.
	In: Blair Babe two.

Chancellor of the Exchequer

	Out: Wee Gordy who will never sell out the British Pound to the Euro (unless it can be proved via five, objective tests that it's the very best thing to do).
	In: Wee Gordy, who will never abandon the need to join the single currency (unless it can be proved via five, objective tests that it's the very best thing not to do).

Prime Minister

	Out: Tony Blair of WMD.
	In: Tony Blair of Bringing Democracy to the Benighted People of Iraq.