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Red Ken: How I foiled Ulster assassination plan

The democratically elected leader of all London's people today revealed how he foiled an attack a few years ago by some of Northern Ireland's more dangerous terrorist hit men.

In last week's edition of Better Dead Than Green magazine, a reformed Loyalist barfly explained how he and a number of his associates decided to "do" the newt-loving sex symbol after he appeared once too often on Have I Got News For You.

Bevvied up and armed with usual assortment of weapons found lying around a quiet semi off the Shankill Road, the trio made a low-key trip to the Mainland with murder in mind.

"We travelled from Belfast like, incognito, like," he explained to an awe-struck journalist, "we took a lot of care to keep undercover. We only wore Rangers' away strip and never shot anyone when we were travelling. Not even that bastard who cut us up near Manchester. It was all meticulously planned."

But their plans evaporated as they attempted to ambush the 07:58 Hoppa service from Livingston's home in Cricklewood to the next stop around the corner where his daily taxi awaited.

"At the last moment we had a coded message from Belfast," the unfeasibly unphotogenic thug explained. "It said: 'Don't shoot the fecker'. So we didn't. We'll never know why the act that could have changed the course of the world never took place."

Livingstone himself has revealed a slightly different bendy bus of events however. "What actually happened is that these crazed murderers didn't have enough money to pay the congestion charge. My congestion charge. Without the five quid they couldn't get into central London to finish me off."

This ingenious use of the charge to prevent access to London by trouble-making terrorist has been seized on by the press and yet another example of Mayor Ken's genius, with independent publication The Londoner running with the story on pages one, two, three, four, seven, and eight. It also featured a pullout colour supplement entitled 'My Battle With Carlos The Jackal, by Brave Ken'.

Ken was modest about his incredible gifts however: "I will never change my way of life. I refused at the time to live differently and I want to do the same now. I want to be at one with the people. And live like they do. Is that all? Good. Taxi! Taxi!"

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