Milburn kids 'fed up already'

Alan Milburn's decision to quit the cabinet and spend more time with his family has already come unstuck, we can reveal.

Son of the former health minister, Joe Milburn, 11, told The Rockall Times: "The first couple of days Dad was home it was well cool. We played football in the park and then went down to the pub where I met his constituents. Fantastic." Younger brother Danny, 6, was in agreement: "Daddy was happy to play Bay Blades with me, although he was not so happy with doctors and nurses."

However, Milburn's partner Ruth has admitted the initial excitement has worn off: "At first it was great. We had a night out just the two of us and I got to remember the man I married. He threw up in the gutter outside Yates' and I ran around with my top off." But just a few days later, it was a different story.

Utter boredom set in when the family realised there would be no more tear-jerking but moving "we hate to see you leave but we know you have to go" scenes on the southbound platform of Darlington station.

The two children were particularly disappointed to find that without their father's regular departures their mother no longer felt the need to buy them ice lollies or sweets to cheer them up. Both boys chorused in unison: "Now we have to eat up all those disgusting vegetables Dad eats. Yuk!"

By the end of the weekend, Danny asked his mother: "When does Daddy going back to work?" Moments later in another part of the house, Joe was heard to slam his bedroom door and shout "I hate you" at his dedicated, loving father. Ruth also told of her annoyance at Alan's presence when she was trying to concentrate on her yoga or watercolour painting.

In a clear sign of the increasing desperation of the Milburn family — only days into their new life all together all of the time — Joe and Danny have been apparently been bombarding the Downing Street switchboard and asking to speak with the prime minister so they can persuade him to reverse the decision.

Said Joe: "I know he asked to leave but surely Mr Blair would prefer my Dad down there." Though the prime minister has since insisted that MI5 install Caller ID to shield him from the Milburn brats, partner Ruth is reported to be heading down to London for a face to face showdown some time next week.

Meanwhile Milburn himself has registered with the local labour exchange and now whiles away his day applying for jobs at shipyards.