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  Monday 16th June 2003  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

This month: Fisting
by Rowan Raunchbitch

I must apologise to my regular readers for a rather prolonged absence from the pages of The Rockall Times. This was due not, as many of you suspected, to aggressive litigation against my column by campaigning Tory "Voice of Middle England" Toby Rubpubbly, but rather an urgent call for my services from the television mandarins at Channel 4.

Indeed, Rubpubbly's litigious assault on what he describes as our "degenerate sexual morality" continues unabated. Erotic Digest male homosexual correspondent Thor Hungstallion has made no less than three appearances before the beak during the last month, and none of them for cottaging.

Rather, the powers that be have taken exception to Thor's ground-breaking investigation into gay infiltration of the security services, and his allegations that they "stitched up" Tony Blair over weapons of mass destruction after the PM sacked pink pin-up Peter "Eleven Inches" Mandelson.

Sadly, The Erotic Digest is currently subject to a court order not to reveal any further details of this scandal. Which is a great shame, since I will not now be able to name the Cabinet member who makes up more than adequately in the trouser department what he lacks in political talent, nor identify the former minister who has recently "done a Monica" in order to regain Tony Blair's favour. Suffice it to say, I think the nation will be shocked to learn — as they doubless will when publication becomes in the public interest — that the man who last week left the government to "spend more time with his family", in fact wanted to commit fully to his oriental "stable of bitches" comprising a harem of ladyboys and Swedish sex slaves in a Bangkok pole-dancing establishment. Enough said.

Which leads me nicely on to my own recent movements. I have just spent more than eight weeks in the fragrant Thai capital overseeing auditions for the latest CH4 reality TV sensation Hey big brother you fuc*k me long time ten dollar?. Building on the phenomenal success of locking a group of social inadequates in a house and then pointing cameras at them, the programme will "address consumer expectation in a television-dominated age". What that actually means is that the audacious sociological experiment will "give the viewers what they really want", in this case oral satisfaction, executive relief, girl-on-girl, and full-on multi-camera live coverage as a wannabe TV celebrity bangs away relentlessly at a room full of shy Thai teen virgins.

Naturally, my own expertise in all matters sexual was felt by the producers to be indispensable, and they invited me to adopt a "hands-on" role in the audition process. I must admit that even I was surprised to witness the lengths to which young people today will go simply to appear nightly in front of millions of their transfixed peers.

The bunch of Blackpool lads who performed a "circle jerk" over a picture of Estelle Morris were typical. As was the former male model who sucked his own penis for the amusement of the panel. However, the young lady from East London who allowed herself to be buggered by a donkey called Pedro really did underline the desperation of these directionless twentysomethings seeking some sort of life-affirming justification of their own existence — that of appearing on television, however briefly.

Of course, the realisation that one simply does not make the grade can prove devastating. The young Eastender — whom I shall call Jade — took the panels' verdict that her donkey perfomance lacked the intellectual rigour the viewers would demand very badly indeed.

Tearfully, Jade offered to "bang everyone in the room" and "let them piss in her mouth" just for the chance of a place in the Hey big brother you fuc*k me long time ten dollar? house, finally offering me personally the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to "fist me up to the elbow in me box or shitter", if I would relent.

Fisting? Why of course, it would be a pleasureI'm prepared to admit this took me a bit by surprise, not least because I had not the faintest idea what the hysterical strumpet was on about. I had rather hurriedly to make my way to the hotel lobby and ring Erotic Digest office girl Gemma for immediate clarification. Luckily, I was sitting down when I got the information I required.

According to Gemma, "fisting" is the technique whereby the entire fist is inserted into the anus or vagina. Gemma's boyfiend — a scaffolder by trade — apparently calls it the "punch up the knickers", and uses it whenever they are indulging in one of their "El Salvador torture chamber" fantasy role-playing sessions. When quizzed as to what possible sexual satisfaction she might gain from such a hideous assault, Gemma replied: "It's like being banged by a whale, but whose dick's got fingernails..." I immediately terminated the call.

Returning to the audition room, I informed young Jade that I would be delighted to share the "fisting" experience with her, and if she would just wait a minute I would whip off my knickers, bend over some solid object, such as a donkey, and she could shove her arm into me up to the shoulder for all I cared, but only as long as she cut off my head with a machete at the point of orgasm so that I properly appreciated the full "fisting" experience. The next thing I remember was waking up in the Medivac helicopter en route to the hospital where I spent the next three days heavily tranquillised before flying back to the UK.

Happily, I am informed that the auditions for Hey big brother you fuc*k me long time ten dollar? provided a veritable gang-bang of hopefuls eager to "rut for ratings". I wish them and Channel 4 every success with this exciting televisual project.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest

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