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Astounding plan to cut congestion at a stroke

A radical plan to reduce road congestion described by its proponents as "jaw-droppingly different" seems all set to sweep the world of managed transport boffins.

The Rockall Times went to speak with the group that aims to get Britain not moving again: Transport 1900. Based in a converted piggery in the heart of Wolverhampton's Mobile Phone District, those working here believe they are setting the agenda for the next century. If they can just convince the majority of the public that they've no right to travel anywhere then they could well be right.

"There's a lot of talk about tolls and congestion charges isn't there?" said one terrifyingly earnest man with a thin sweaty look who munched on a pair of bicycle clips while speaking to us. "But the problem so far with toll schemes is that the prices have been set too low. We say raise the cost to, er, £1,000 a mile. That'll stop them. If it doesn't then double it."

Experts reckon transport charges that high — previously only ever seen on the Heathrow Express train service and unlicensed mini-cabs after pub closing-time — would be likely to deter "pretty well everyone" and so lead to a significant reduction in congestion. The fact that no one would be able to get any place they wanted has been brushed off as "mindless carping".

"At first we didn't understand why no one else here had thought of this idea," said one boffin at the Department of Transport, "but then we realised that even we weren't that stupid. I reckon it'll be official policy within the week."

However the government have made it clear that exceptions to the charge would "have to be made" for "essential services" such as the police, fire, ambulance, government ministers' limousines and taxis carrying Ken Livingstone to parties.

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