Very fabric of society threatened by appointment of gay Satanist dope-smoking Bishop

The very fabric of British society is today threatened with complete destruction after a gay Satanist Bishop who openly smokes marijuana during services was appointed Suffragan Bishop of Reading.

Indeed, church insiders fear that said fabric "would be reduced to nothing more than an enormous pile of small pieces used for menial domestic cleaning tasks, like cleaning the cooker", if Canon Jeffrey John was not immediately tied to a stake and "consigned to the burning fires of hell like the faggot he is".

Most of the UK's 11 regular church-goers have written to the Diocese of Oxford condemning its bishop's decision to elevate John to the bishopric, stating that the move violated 2,000 years of Christian tradition and is in direct defiance of the teachings of the scriptures.

The Bishop of Oxford, the Rt Rev Richard Harris, has refuted this. "My interpretation of the bible is that at no point does it state that homosexuals who have abused crack cocaine then buggered small boys while kissing Satan's buttocks cannot under any circumstances become bishops," he told The Rockall Times.

His argument may have weight. A quick peruse of the New Testament revealed this to be true. We were amazed to find that the bible apparently also endorsed credit card fraud, selling arms to third-world dictatorships, stealing motor vehicles, pornography in all its forms, tax evasion, the use of crack cocaine, piracy on the high seas and setting fire to arsenals and dockyards.

This assertion cuts little ice with Anglican traditionalists, however. "They either ditch the queer or we're off," thundered one High Church adherent, presumably referring to the possibility that he and his comrades would board a small ship at Plymouth and sail off to find new, less pagan lands in which to practise their faith. "That'll show 'em," he chortled.

The consequences of such a departure are almost unimaginable. Theological pundits have painted a nightmare picture in the style of Hieronymous Bosch depicting a secular Britain deprived of the mediating influence of the church. War, drug abuse, gun crime, burglary, collapse of the institution of marriage, obsession with the acquisition of wealth and property, vanity, pornography, junk food and unrestrained access to reality TV shows are just some of the terrifying plagues which we have mercifully so far been spared. The prospect of the complete secularisation of this pious and God-fearing land is chilling indeed.

Meanwhile, with television stations and newspapers devoting thousands of hours and millions of column inches, respectively, to the growing scandal, the average Briton appears rather more relaxed about the impending disintegration of everything he or she holds dear. "Church of England? Never heard of it mate," was how one plumber in a white van succinctly put it yesterday while eating a Big Mac and talking on a mobile phone to his divorce lawyer. "It won't affect the interest rates, will it?" he continued. "Tell you what, I bought a house three years ago for 50 grand and it's worth 200k now, so I got a holiday gaff in Marbella on the back of it. And I've got two new cars and a 42-inch plasma home cinema set-up. Bet you haven't, have you? Go on, how big's yours? Twenty-eight inches? Ha! Anyway, gotta rush. Big Brother is on at ten and I reckon that good-looking bird might get her laughing gear round whassisname's spam javelin. See ya."