One Almighty mess: Our exclusive interview with God

"Sure there are things that I would have done differently — molluscs for one." Speaking to me in the exclusive Metro bar at London's most prestigious hotel, The Sandford, is none other than God.

For today He has assumed the physical embodiment of what I believe, as a white Christian living in the UK, He looks like — a large man with a white beard and a friendly but authoritative face. Not only that but simply for my sake He has taken on some of the features of my grandfather who died when I was six. This ability to know what I think and to adapt accordingly makes for an interesting interview.

God doesn't give interviews. Despite being one of the most famous beings known to man and more written about than even David Beckham, He is fiercely protective of his privacy and, so he tells me, lets His actions speak louder than words. That was why I was stunned when I got a call from the Almighty's personal secretary asking if I would be interesting in an interview with Him. Of course I jumped at the chance, but I was intrigued why he had chosen now to do an interview. And sure enough, He tells me — but more of that later.

What I really wanted to know must come first. "So what's it like being omnipresent?" I ask him. He leans back, and places his finger on his chin and thinks for a second. "You know, it's not as exciting as people seem to think it is. It's surprising how used you get to it. But I feel I need to clear up a common misunderstanding — being omnipresent doesn't mean that because something bad happens, I am somehow to blame.

"Unlike a lot of other supernatural rulers, I am fairly hands-off. That doesn't mean I won't step in if I think something's wrong. I mean, not a week goes by when I haven't prevented the extinction of the human race. But when it comes to things like disease, pestilence, warfare, I have to look at the wider picture. I'd never have any time to myself if I stopped everything from happening. Besides, in order to maintain the universal balance, the negative has to tally with the positive. If I stop earthquakes for example, it would mean the end of, say, blow jobs. Sometimes I can cheat a bit and balance it across universes and give one universe a more positive feel than another, but as I rule I try to avoid this as it proves counter-productive to its progression. Bad universes never last long. But no, omnipresence is not all's it's cracked up to be."

What of omnipotence? "Now that is a lot more fun. You really are restricted only by your imagination. I was particularly pleased with sea horses on your planet if I remember correctly. And squahnas — sorry, that's Mars, you won't have discovered them yet."

So there is life on Mars? "Well I've kind of given the game away now. But yes, a few bits here and there. There's still plenty of other interesting stuff on Mars though, so do please keep working on space travel as you call it."

Is God ever tempted to show us things that we wouldn't have found out ourselves? "Oh me yes, all the time. But I have a strict rule that I won't just give something to my creations. Sometimes I give them a nudge in the right direction — a sharper hand or an implausible plant. But you humans are fairly bright as a rule and given long enough you tend to work things out for yourself."

What does God think of humans beings as a species? "Oh, I'm really pleased with you on the whole. You know you were the first beings I tried out humour on. The results have been a little messy but it has helped resolve a lot of issues that in the past I've had to use brute force for. I'm a big fan of some of the shows you've started putting on your television medium. Monty Python was great, Only Fools and Horses, Frazier, Malcolm in the Middle..."

Friends? "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. But no, humour is really good if I say so myself. Humans as a whole? Well, the same problems that you get with species. It always amazes me that once they get over the most violent being being in charge they select the most two-faced to run things. If there was one failing in humans, I'd say it was apathy. To the extent that despite the brain I provided, most of you will accept what you are told."

And what about women and the story of Adam's rib? "Ah, that's a good one. Rather inventive really. As for women, well I suppose it's safe to say that the differences between men and women was my own sense of humour coming through. I toyed with the idea of creating a third type of human — a rational being with exaggerated sexual organs but appalling personality traits but I decided against it in the end."

So you don't see the human race as a virus? "Ah, I see you've been watching The Matrix. I quite liked that film, I have to say. In fact, for a moment I thought of changing your reality to fit it the main premise but then I realised I'd just got caught up in all the hype. Shame that the second movie was such nonsense but then if universe creation has taught us anything it's that success tends to damage the creative process."

Does power corrupt? "Of course, that's the whole fun of it. I adore the way people form religions and go on about who I am and what I think about things. Jesus, for example, was quite an interesting human but what they did afterwards is just incredible. Bishops in pointy hats — I love it."

What of all the other religions, are they closer to the truth, is there one religion that it more true that others? "Nah. They're all much of a muchness. There was one guy about a thousand years ago that had most of it sussed and he went around telling everyone. Problem was they didn't kill him so no one ever found out about it."

"What the most common question you're asked?"

"Oh me, every time: 'What's the meaning of life?' I get so sick of it. They're never happy with the answer. I'd rather people asked me what my favourite colour was."

"So what is your favourite colour?"

"Gresman. You don't know it yet. You'll have to wait until you find your seven sense."

It's at this point that God became quite serious and explained the reason behind the interview. I was shocked and stunned as you will be. This is what he said verbatim.

"Now, to the reason I wanted to do this interview. I've decided that I need to make some room in my meta-physical space and that means throwing out most of my old universes. I'm going to keep two but the rest will have to go. So I thought it only fair that I give each one the chance to argue its case.

"You've got about five years of your time to come up with a presentation and then I'll hear from everyone and make a decision. It can take whatever format you like but basically what I'm after is an explanation as to why you're the most interesting universe. If you're one of the two winners, I'll give you about a thousand years of positive from all the negative that's created from the destruction of the others. If you aren't one of the lucky winners, I'm playing with the idea of letting each person decide how they would like to die. Obviously, it'll be a huge drain on my resources, but I think it's only fair and as a special thank you for all the fun you've given me."

And with that, God disappeared from my perception.