Kiwi fruit: The terrifying danger that threatens our kiddies

Researchers have just revealed what many children thought they knew already — that Kiwi Fruit are no bloody good for them at all.

Scientists at the University of Corporate Sponsorship have found that excessive consumption of the tart little fruit (more than 3,000 a day) could "potentially" lead to "unsafe" levels of pectin and blaugraut that "might just" endanger "children" if they had a "susceptibility" to "disease". Specifically, an allergy to Kiwi fruit.

"It's very worrying," said one woman in the street near to a polling company's HQ when quizzed on the subject though she later confessed to never having bought a Kiwi fruit or in fact even knowing what one was. Or to having any children. "Is that what I was supposed to say?" she helpfully prompted, earning her a big smile and a tick from the polling team.

Parents have, however, been cautioned against panic and are advised not to radically alter their children's diet. The UCS head of nutritional research was keen to point out that none of these dangers could be specifically associated with Coke, Pepsi, Dr Pepper, cheese and onion crisps or microwaveable mini-pizzas, none of which contain fruit or veg of any kind, and are certified free of Kiwi fruit.

Asked about the possible adverse consequences of ingesting the high levels of sugar and salt in these common ingredients of UK kids' diets, he lamented that, sadly: "Investigation of such risk did not fall within our remit."