John Leslie slams indecent assault charges

Ex-TV presenter John Leslie has attacked the decision by police to go ahead and prosecute him for "indecent assault".

"Indecent assault?" he boomed to The Rockall Times during a quiet night out at Secrets. "What is that all about? Don't they know who I am? I would expect to face something a bit more criminal than indecent assault."

Having already strenuously denied the allegations via his lawyer, Leslie made it clear off-the-record to us that in his mind he has racked up a series of incidents "involving full penetration" that make a charge of indecent assault "irredeemably petty". Our lawyer has reminded us however that there is no reason to suspect all the women complaining of having been attacked by Leslie were not entirely willing participants who want a bit of fame and don't mind the world knowing they were raped if they get their face in the papers.

Leslie rejected the claim that the fuss made would have an adverse effect on his career: "Not at all. I'm in training right now for the lead role of Pete Schlong in the new adult movie Blue Peter. It's an exciting new departure for me. I hope to work on the stage, too. I've been invited to audition for the role of Demitrius in Titus Andronicus. He's one of two brothers who rape a girl and then cut her tongue out. A wise man."

Sitting firmly by his side, Leslie's current girlfriend began a speech promising to "stand by John forever and..." before being cut off by the former kiddies' presenter. "Do shut up honey — you'll get yours later," the charming and debonair British gent elucidated.