Rail performance figures hailed as triumph for SRA

SRA boss and all-round great guy Dickie Bowker has hailed the most recent figures released on the operation of Britain's railways as "triumphant".

They show standards as "abysmal and set to get worse if that's at all possible", but happily for the future of rail travel in the UK, and due to a formula so complex that if printed would have to airlifted, Bowker will see a £3.5m performance bonus heading the direction of his bank account.

Commenting soon after publication of the report, Bowker made it very clear that he was "amazed" matters were "not far worse" bearing in the mind the quality of some of the people running the network, "though not me I hasten to add", he hastened to add. He went on to tell The Rockall Times that what he "really wanted to talk about" was not his salary but his plans "for a high-speed rail link from Skegness to Dewsbury. Or any thing to do with trains rather than salaries."

Bowker's tenure running the SRA has seen hundreds of services axed, complaints soar, and timekeeping sink to a previously unimaginable nadir. However the tousled-hair genius has gone on a charm offensive to put his side of the fairytale. "It's like this," he told a female journo as he tossed back his shaggy mane of hair, "you've either got it or you haven't. I'm just pleased to be around at a time when the transport infrastructure in Britain is undergoing a revolution. The way I see it is that Alistair Darling's 12-lane super-highways will completely redefine the road-rail interface. Imagine stopping off at a new 'super-station' for a bit of shopping, or to use the internet cafe, or have a coffee, before driving on to work. It's a breathtaking vision of the future."

Staff at SRA headquarters on Necker Island have reportedly staged a whip round to get Bowker a present befitting a public servant of his stature: a hand-printed silk tie by Manolo Versace. However Bowker has told The Rockall Times: "Don't worry, you won't see me wearing one of those, I'm far too casual." The SRA this morning denied rumours that the real reason Bowker declined the gift is that he fears roving bands of enraged commuters may use it to string him from the nearest lamp-post. "Mr Bowker is universally well-regarded," intoned a young PR representative with a haunted, hollow-eyed look. "Why on earth would anyone want to kill him?"