Real Madrid delighted with Manchester United coup

Manchester United announced this week that they have accepted an offer from Real Madrid for the loyalty of seven million Far East fans of the English club.

The fee is thought to be around €36 million (£25 million). The United fans in question, who are mainly Japanese but include three-quarters of a million from Thailand and Malaysia, will switch their allegiance to Real Madrid immediately.

This change will involve more than simply buying a replica of the club's famous all-white kit at an inflated price. The Asian fans will also become convinced of Madrid players' genetic superiority above all the other footballers in the world, arrogantly assume that they will win the Champions League every year and laugh heartily at the misfortunes of Barcelona.

"This is the best deal I've ever done," said Real president Florentino Perez. "We'll make the money back in 20 minutes. And the sponsors will love it — hence, more moolah. God, I'm good."

"And seven million is just the start," Perez crowed. "As soon as Real become popular with the Japanese, the other Asian nations will follow suit. Or face the consequences. You've heard of the rape of Nanking, I assume?"

At the insistence of Man Utd manager Darth Ferguson, a right-footed midfielder, also moves to Madrid as part of the deal.

"What? Oh yes — they threw in David Beckham as part of the package," chuckled Real's sporting director Jorge Valdano. "Well, Steve MacManaman'll be off in a year or so, and we've found that English backsides are the best in the world when it comes to bench-warming. Apparently he's got a bit of an Asian following too, so that financial input will help keep Ronaldo in toothpaste. In short, Beckham is an internationally-respected talent and I look forward to sitting next to him in the dug-out for the next three years."

Excitingly, crowds have already gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Tokyo to voice their life-long and fanatical support for Real Madrid. "Viva Real! Viva Beckham!" intoned Kinji Sukiyama, 22, of Kyoto, dutifully.

Meanwhile, some of the companies paying hair stylist Beckham millions to endorse their top-quality products have reacted angrily to news that his Real Madrid transfer will be going ahead, writes Alan Roberts.

"A move to another club is bound to lead to extra weeks of training, exhibition matches, and stuff like that," sighed the chief of a soft drinks firm that pays Becks a wheelbarrow full of cash every week to appear briefly in its ads, "not to mention all the high-risk games as well. That's time that could be far better used on book signings, photo shoots, or making promotional videos — for us."

At a meeting with the heads of Beckham's other key sponsors around the world — all 732 of them — marketing men drafted a set of demands for the new season. Chief amongst these will be an insistence that Beckham's bench-warming next to Fernando Morientes in no way harms his pitchman act for Castrol, Adidas, Vodafone etc etc.

Once again, Jorge Valdano was on hand to pour oil on troubled water, reiterating: "Beckham is a far too important a part of our strategy to waste time running around the pitch. Luis Figo can do that bit while David tours the Far East praising the Merengues to the sky and telling everyone what a great guy Franco was."