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Revealed: The true harrowing tale of Jessica Lynch

It was the human interest story of the Iraq War that thrilled the whole world of the United States. The tale of a young female American soldier captured and then rescued deep behind enemy lines brought a ray of light to the long-suffering US public when it appeared that the conflict might go on too long for the TV networks to maintain interest.

Now that incredible tale is to be merchandised and we at The Rockall Times have had an exclusive glimpse at the notes in the DVD jacket of The making of: Jessica Lynch: The movie. Read on...

• March 23rd. Private Lynch is part of an American convoy that gets lost in the Iraqi desert when on a top-secret mission to erect soft drink vending machines near to forward bases. When a sandstorm blows up and visibility is cut to near zero, the team decides radical measures are called for.

  Desperate for somewhere to hunker down for the night, they reject the idea of asking for shelter at any of the local houses for fear they are full of Saddam's fanatical Feda'Yeeeeen. Accounts of what happened next differ. Those involved all say that their truck came off the road and they were captured without a shot being fired.

  But a Pentagon press spokesman made it clear that the team was finally overrun after they ran out of ammunition following a five-hour firefight. Private Lynch personally took out 93 Iraqi soldiers, applying her lipstick in between bouts of savagery. When finally pinned down, 12 dead men lay at her feet.

  The prisoners were taken to a nearby so-called hospital where there were treated like dogs and almost as badly as the uninsured in the Land of the Free. Starved of hot-dogs and root beer, most of the terrified Americans keep sullenly silent.

  But Private Lynch was not to be beaten and stood up to confront her attackers. "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman," she roared at the snivelling guards, "but I have the strength of the United States of America behind me and I know that no matter what happens to me that truth and justice and Uncle Sam will prevail."

• March 26th. Despite a punishing interrogation of whether she prefers orange or apple juice for breakfast, Private Lynch refuses to crack and tell her Iraqi captors who she voted for in American Idol.

• March 28th. By now Lynch has befriended the dopey Iraqi doctor Abdul who is hoping for a Green Card and through him passes secret messages to Ronald Dumsfeld that will lead to a rescue mission of staggering genius and uncompromising courage.

• March 29th. Jessica is cruelly thrown into the back of an ambulance and driven to the American checkpoint. With tears in their eyes, American soldiers realise they have no choice but to fire on the ambulance and force it to return with her to her torture bed.

• March 30th. Jessica subjected to yet more hideous torture by evil Iraqi fiends.

• March 31st. Iraqi troops and Ba'ath officials attempt to trick US forces by fleeing hospital and area in the hope of luring them into a cunning trap.

• April 1st. Unswayed, in the early hours of the morning, 400 heavily armed American Special Forces troops in helicopters and tanks mount a daring raid on the jail with only videocameras and blank rounds to protect them against the terrifying might of four doctors and two patients.

  Fighting their way past the Filipino receptionist, they enter the lair of the beast. Lynch is swiftly found and quickly rushed to a waiting helicopter.

• April 3rd. Private Lynch is flown to a US base in Germany and fully debriefed. US military planners hear how Iraq is hot, sandy and full of Iraqis. The media is told of the daring raid and footage is released that shows without a shadow of doubt that the war on Iraq is completely justified.

• April 8th. Lynch recovers from the gunshot and stab wounds that occurred some time between the Iraqi soldiers leaving the hospital and the Pentagon spokesman giving the morning briefing.

• April 20th. Private Lynch is flown back to West Virginia and receives a heroine's welcome from her nearest and dearest media correspondents. A five-minute slot with her mother and father is fitted in amongst talks with a book agent and film producer. Unfortunately, she has complete amnesia of the entire event. Doctors say she may never recover her memory while she is still in the military and lucrative deals are on the table.

• May 1st. Lynch is offered the part of Hermione in the next Harry Potter film

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