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C of E considers opposite-sex marriages

In a controversial move, the Church of England clergy have signalled their willingness to allow opposite-sex marriages.

Stunning many, the predominently gay order told The Rockall Times that it felt it had to move with modern times and become more inclusive if it was to remain relevant.

However, the clergy have insisted that such occasions are dealt with in a "caring and sensitive manner and with all due respect given to the teachings of Christ".

There remains some scepticism about the plan, however. "I must admit that I personally find all these unions rather unpleasant," said one trendy vicar who asked to be known as Julie, "since this kind of thing inevitably leads to sexual relations between men and women. But we must move with times I suppose."

The deal proposed would see local parishes openly support opposite-sex relationships, while still placing an emphasis on the traditional instruction of young boys in the bellfry after services.

While the decision is a dramatic step for Church, it is nevertheless expected to have only a minor impact in reality. "The vast majority of parishioners are now well into their 70s or 80s, and most of them are likely to be non-practising heterosexuals," said Archbishop Desmond TuTu, on secondment to East Anglia. "As long as I don't have to imagine them doing it at all," he explained, "I believe tolerance is the best way forward."

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