Rockall product review: Weapons of Mass Destruction

With all the fuss surrounding weapons of mass destruction (WMD), we felt it was time to find out just how dangerous these products really were.

The results were surprising. In each test, we used 1,000 unneeded Iraqis and Afghans and noted the quantity and severity of the damage done to limbs, bones, mental stability etc.

However, it is not always the biggest destroyer that makes for the best WMD, so by including other important factors such as price and effectiveness we hope to provide you with the most up-to-date and authoritative guide for this market.

Thanks

The Rockall Times consumer testing team

Sarin gas

Manufacturer: Anybody with a chemistry kit and a large-to-middling psychosis Testing ground: Neighbour's ventilation system Cure: Stop breathing Instructions: Open the valve and run like hell Active substance: Nerve poison Exposure time: One minute Result: No more annoying parties next door Price: Visit www.pricerunner.co.uk Pros: Invisible and airborne. May produce sensation of a terrible hangover Cons: Existence of gas masks, unreliable in a headwind.

Ariel Sharon

Manufacturer: Ariel's mum Testing ground: Middle East Cure: Bullet to the head Instructions: Point at a Palestinian Active Substance: A hundred Apache helicopters Exposure time: Press of a button Result: One very dead stone tosser Price tag: Gaza and the West Bank Pros: Relentless, determined, doubtless Cons: Incomprehensible, only works on Arabs. Silly toupée

400-megaton atomic bomb

Manufacturer: United States, Britain, Russia Testing ground: Convoy on an Iraqi highway Cure: Move to the moon Instructions: Get a codebreaker or manually wind up the Russian version Active Substance: Mother of all bangs Exposure time: 0.0001 sek Result: World's largest lake. Complete darkness for 300 years Price tag: On par with Peru and Anna Nichole Smith's tits Pros: Accurate, long lasting Cons: Requires access to a large Boeing jet

Speech by Tony Blair

Manufacturer: Tony Blair Testing ground: British population Cure: Earplugs Instructions: Vote Labour Active Substance: Sleep inducer Exposure time: Five minutes tops Efficiency: 50 per cent Price tag: Britain's independence Pros: Eliminates need to hear Bush speak Cons: May be copy of a high school paper

Anthrax

Manufacturer: Someone with a severe letter fetish Testing ground: The postal service Cure: Blow up your mailbox Instructions: Don't forget the stamps Active substance: Creepy bacteria that infects the lungs Exposure time: Two days, faster with airmail Result: Media hysteria and one casualty Price tag: Ask your local post man Pros: Revolting blisters, great addition to Christmas greetings Cons: Vaccine. Not as powerful as the album Among the Living

Big mac

Manufacturer: McDonalds Testing ground: Earth Cure: Weightwatcher's Association Instructions: Make kids Active Substance: Aggressive marketing, cholesterol Exposure time: 2 to 50 years Result: Terminates all taste buds Price tag: £3.95 including soddy fries Pros: Looks good but tastes just as bad as a whopper Cons: Requires a lot of patience

United States of America

Manufacturer: A lost sailor 500 years ago Testing ground: Anywhere, anytime Cure: Get a green card, avoid turbans Instructions: Hold a divergent opinion Active Substance: Dubya G Bush Exposure time: The time needed to overrun the United Nations Result: Even more terrorists Price tag: The lives of a few million unfortunate civilians Pros: The ultimate doomsday weapon Cons: Only functional till November 2004