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Reaming? Yes please, we're British!

A shocking new study has highlighted the filthy desires of Britain's male populace. According to a recent study by Professor Ringworm of Dundee University, 27 out of 33 men would rather take the dirt track as opposed to the God-given tunnel of natural happiness.

"It's a shocker," he beamed. "Not one of the men studied has taken part in the traditional flat-back-four for several months now. Quite frankly, the front bum has taken a back seat to the rectal juggernaut, if you see what I mean."

As in most cases of horribleness and debauchery, the blame for this desire to poke the old Gary Glitter falls at the feet of those no-good celebrities.

"The bum has received a lot of press recently and this has caused men to focus all of their animal urges towards it," remarked the self-proclaimed Lord of the Ring. "Kylie and J-Lo are the two main culprits. Kylie can't take a walk to the local Wilko's without flashing a bit of builders and J-Lo's just got a great big lovely fat arse."

The results of the study has sent shockwaves throughout Britain and resulted in outrage from feminist todger dodgers, religious fruitcakes, and the people on the receiving end of this foul practice — girls.

"I hate men," Germaine Greer quipped. "They are the source of all evil and the reason for all things wrong with the world. I wish they were all dead — except of course when I need an oil change on my Citroen 2CV or I want a shelf putting up."

Reverend Jennifer Anniston, a transsexual former Mr Burnley who used to be known as Graham Peterson, chipped in: "I love the Devil's orifice just as much as the next man, if not more so, but God made everything for a purpose and unfortunately he did not make this, for that," while making a pelvic thrust movement and pointing at her excremental exit.

Katie Menendez, a ginger-haired John Wayne impersonator, sobbed: "I don't feel loved anymore. We used to go for romantic meals and return home to make sweet love all night, but now, he only has to get a couple of Stella's in him and he goes straight for my Mick Hucknall."

Upon hearing poor old Katie's blubbering girly comments, the Professor left us with a grim prediction as to the future of the life-giving bucket: "While the attraction to do a lady like a man has improved the sales of jellified goods and spawned successful blue movies such as Willy Wonka and his Honky Tonky Bonky Love of the Chocolate Factory, it is sad to say that women's Grimsby Docks are in danger of being closed for good."

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