Swan kebab: The sickening truth

The news that asylum seekers have been abducting her Imperial Majestyness Liz II's swans and preparing them for human consumption in some kind of depraved barbecue ritual will send an icy chill to the very heart of any right-minded Englishman.

It appears that the £10,000 per week in cash, luxury Docklands flat and free MPV each and every immigrant receives upon arrival in the UK is insufficient to satisfy their desire to strip this country of everything which is not nailed down — wildfowl included.

These are the sobering facts behind the rape of our countryside:

• Each week Albanian paedophiles trap more than 1,000,000 sparrows in nets, to be sold on by Russian "handlers" to Afghani refugees. Although the consumption of sparrows is strictly forbidden in Afghanistan, experts believe that these "customers" acquired a taste for them while hanging around in French bistros waiting for an opportunity to sneak through the Channel Tunnel. The sparrows are force-fed calvados and snails until plump enough to be swallowed live by cackling ragheads.
• Experts predict that the much-loved badger will be extinct in this country by 2006. The cuddly black-and-white creature has been targeted because Chinese sweatshop workers believe its penis to have magical powers rendering the user immune to deportation. Furthermore, doctors fear that the Triad gangs behind the carnage may pass on deadly TB to cattle and, terrifyingly, defenceless kiddies. Farmers are reported to be "livid" at the destruction of their traditional countryside friend. EU compensation for the emotional distress could run into billions of euros.
• Every year thousands of foxes die in agony after pursuit by men on horses and packs of dogs. Sickeningly, the animal is not even eaten, but is rather considered "sport". Page seven of the Daily Mail recently described this practice as "the most filthy example of inhumanity we can imagine", while pages nine and ten featured a graphic of John Bull in hunting pink astride a magnificent steed under the headline: "Is this the last bastion of Englishness against the sewage-laden tsunami of immigrant so-called 'culture'?". A good question.

And that should be an end to the matter. There is, however, another school of thought which believes that, rather than curbing foreigners' insatiable appetite for any animal they can lay their sweaty hands on — regardless of how photogenic it may be — they should be encouraged to rid Britain of some of its more thorny zoological headaches.

Indeed, the government has prepared a colourful recipe booklet in 281 languages, showing how troublesome species could be put to culinary use. As one government minister put it: "If we can get these Johnnys off the swan and onto the rat, we'd have an effective vermin control programme coupled to massive savings for the taxpayers."

We at The Rockall Times asked our cookery correspondent Delia Rhodes to try out some of the booklet's suggestions. She declared herself impressed, and here are a few of her favourites. Most of the ingredients are available either in the wild or from a landfill site. Some of the items may require a trip to the supermarket, and one is available only in an upmarket Italian deli in Notting Hill. If you do not live in Notting Hill, or near a supermarket, or indeed a landfill site, simply substitute Sunny D according to taste.

Rat Pie of Merrie Olde England

Ingredients:

• Rats
• Shortcrust pastry*
• Oysters*
• Stout*
• Organic hand-reared shallots*
• 1 free-range ostrich egg*
• Thigh-rubbed Iranian black pepper*
• (*Optional)

Method: Take rats, oysters, chopped shallots and season well with black pepper. Marinate overnight in stout, then gently wrap in shortcrust pastry envelope. Glaze pastry with yolk of ostrich egg and bake for 90 minutes at gas mark 4. Serves an entire reception centre for three weeks.

Delia says: Young, tender rats are the best. Older examples may require extra time in the marinade. Be sure to clean the urinary tract fully to prevent contracting Weil's disease. Wash down with a cheeky Romanian Merlot. Delicious.

Squirrel Scallopine

Ingredients:

• 4 Grey squirrel escalopes*
• Seasoned Patagonian rough-crushed wholemeal flour
• 2oz "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
• 8oz Alsace truffelized button morels, trimmed and sliced
• 1 tin supermarket-brand strong lager
• (*Not the red variety, for God's sake)

Method: Beat the escalopes flat. Dip in flour and fry in a large griddle pan using the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!". When escalopes are brown on both sides, lower the heat and add the mushrooms. Cook for 1.3 seconds, then add the lager. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Serve on a bed of bee-tickled Bengali crescent rice, flavoured with Uzbekistan extra-virgin saffron heads.

Delia says: Terrific. Enjoy the subtle chicken-like flavour and texture of the squirrel, while complimenting yourself that there is one less tree rat in the world. The tail makes a handy duster, too.

Tortilla Argentina

Ingredients:

• Cardboard box

Method: Cut 12-inch diameter circles from cardboard box. Bake in clay oven for ten minutes. Serve. A great fun snack for kids.

Delia says: Can be tough unless pre-soaked overnight in llama spittle. Good as a packed lunch for beggars, though.

Henman Surprise

Ingredients:

• One second-rate British tennis player

Method: Tie tennis player to table. Slice open abdomen and extract talent with a pair of tweezers (Note: This can be notoriously difficult to find, so have patience.) Once extracted, place talent immediately on very, very small wheat cracker and eat. Throw remains of tennis player into ditch.

Delia says: I must say I found this tasteless and insubstantial and was left with a feeling of emptiness and disappointment. A glass of Pimms and some strawberries and cream soon cheered me up, though. And the surprise? No more simpering temp secretaries with Union Jacks tattooed on their arses shouting "Come on Tim!" for two weeks next June. I believe this is what's called a "right result".

Next week

Laughing immigrants steal decorated war hero's replacement hip joint while he sleeps, then exchange it on Russian black market for sickening paedophile porn