American libido hits all-time low

The United States was today plunged into crisis after it emerged the death of soul legend Barry White had caused libido to fall to its lowest level since records began.

The self-styled "Elephant Seal of Lurve" passed away earlier this month aged 26 and weighing 58 stone or maybe the other way round. His death brought to a close a career in which he bedded more than 20,000 women despite being hugely fat and really not very attractive.

However the degree to which Mr White will be missed only became apparent yesterday when it was noted how much Americans' sex drive had become dependent on the big man.

Independent sex pollsters say the US has been sexually hooked on Mr White's deep-bass growling for the past eight years. While his records remain untouched, the news that he is dead appears to have destroyed the delicate balance of alcohol and atmosphere so essential for penetrative sex.

Across America, penises went flaccid, orifices dried up and sex toys jammed as news of White's demise filtered through the nation. One copulating couple had to be separated by firefighters after they lost interest and became locked together in apathy in Norfolk, Virginia.

"It just became, like, necrophilia," said the woman in question, Louise Charlston, from her hospital bed. "The next thing I knew my fanny just slammed shut."

One expert has warned of similar problem across the country: "This will send a shockwave through the bedrooms of America. Our nation's sex life hasn't suffered such a severe blow since Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas. It could take decades to repair the damage and the impact on our Gross National Product, not to mention our birthrate, is incalculable."

White, whose hits included Deep Voiced Murmur, You're My Something or Other and The One On Ally McBeal, died of kidney failure following a career which spanned nearly 60 inches.

Mario Gigolo, Democratic senator for New York, told Congress: "The Dubya administration must answer some hard and penetrating questions about how our nation became so dependent on one 30-stone lardbucket for our libido supplies."

Dubya was dismissive of such fears however, informing the press corps that his libido has never been higher. Not only does Laura get it five times a week but Mr Bush has plenty of energy left over the fuc*k the rest of the world, said a spokesman.