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Alistair Darling is truckers' darling

The massive road building programme announced by transport secretary Alistair Darling last week will be wonderful in every way and allow for a new generation of supertrucks, we can reveal.

The expansion will be the first for more than a decade after intellectual heavyweight John Prescott revealed that doing nothing would improve take-up of public transport.

The M25 will be widened again to 18 lanes as will all roads leading to cabinet ministers' constituencies. As a pilot project, cars on the M42 will be also allowed, like government ministers, to use the hard shoulder at peak hours even though it is considered mostly illegal.

Despite safety concerns over the move, Chris Simmons, chief constable of the West Midlands Police said he was confident drivers would be able to swerve in time to miss any broken-down cars.

A full listing of the new schemes is given below:

• M25: Remaining six lane stretches widened to 18 lanes
• M1 South: Widened between London and Milton Keynes, allowing an extra 98 football pitches' worth of motorist room
• M1 North: Widened from junction 30 to 32 just for kicks
• M42: Bicycle path added in middle of carriageway to keep tree-huggers happy

In announcing the package of measures in the Commons, Mr Darling said: "There is no way of really telling if this will improve anything apart from my popularity."

But the announcement has prompted accusations of a government U-turn. A lawyer specialising in transport matters told the Rockall Times: "Yes, I think that's a different kind of U-turn you are talking about." He did however charge his usual fee.

Environmental campaigner Helen Green was not impressed by the programme however: "This is pure madness. Madness, pure madness. It's just mad. Pure madness. It's mad. Completely mad. Mad. It's... just... mad. Madness. Mad."

But a Transport Union spokesman commented: "Much bigger motorways are the only answer in the short term. And let's be frank here, what we need is a short-term answer for Britain's decripid transport infrastructure. None of us is going to live forever, are we?"

There will, nevertheless, be one very definite advantage to the new super-wide road: supertrucks. Jean Coodin-Carelas of the Freight Bosses federation said the new plans would at last allow his company to introduce supertrucks into the UK.

These huge hulking vehicles that straddle three lanes are a common sight in Europe but due to narrow roads remain unknown in the UK. Figures show that each truck is 18 per cent more efficient that the smaller regular trucks we see on British roads.

With a large number of roads facing expansion to eight lanes either side, the trucks will be able to pass one another at half-a-mile-an-hour while leaving two lanes for weaving Cavalier drivers and modern-day missionaries intent on making everyone drive at exactly 70 miles-per-hour.

Mr Darling also welcomed suggestions that a tax on road driving rather than expensive road building would be the best way forward to tackle Britain's congestion. "Yes, yes, don't worry about that. How do you think we're going to pay for all this?" he told reporters.

He then left to the sound of Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild giving the Supertruckers salute as he went.

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