Dear Dierdre: Primate in tizz over gay bish

DEAR DIERDRE: I seem to have got myself into a bit of a pickle. I recently approved the appointment of a gay bishop, much to the dismay of church traditionalists. Conservatives threatened to form a breakaway Anglican faction unless Jeffrey John stood down.

Mercifully, he eventually decided not to take up the post, but this does not solve the problem. God knows there are only eleven people regularly attending church in this country as it is. We need every bum on pew we can muster, even if its cheeks have been spread during unnatural acts of male love. Have you read the bible, and if so, is there anything in the small print which might allow me to welcome homosexuals into the bosom of Christ?

Yours hopefully, Rowan, Canterbury

DIERDRE SAYS: Well, I think you're on a bit of a hike to nowhere with this one, if you don't mind me saying. The only parts of the Holy Scriptures I could find with any reference to homosexuals also contained the words "eternal fires of damnation", "sodomites cast into the sulphurous furnaces of Hades", and so forth.

While I appreciate that you need to broaden the appeal of the church, is this not a bit like inviting members of the Socialist Workers' Party to join the Young Conservatives because subscriptions are a bit low? I suggest you look to a group who have been welcomed into the Catholic clergy for many years and are enthusiastic exponents of the Word of God: paedophiles.

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DEAR DIERDRE: I recently got offered a senior post in the Church of England, but did not even get as far as getting measured for the outfit before I was harassed into resigning by a hateful campaign of bullying and intimidation.

The reason is that I am a homosexual, although I haven't touched a spam javelin for years — not even my own. Yet, despite my professed celibacy, those whose minds are closed to Christ's love for all humanity will not accept me. What can I do? Jeffrey, Reading

DIERDRE SAYS: You've made the classic error of believing that the church is all about good will to all men, tambourines, hallelujahs and tearful recanted sinners sobbing before statues of the Virgin Mary. Well, it's time you got with the programme, brother.

Hard as it is, you must turn your back on those who have shunned you. I suggest you invest any redundancy money into a burger van operation. You'll find that not only is the money better, but that you'll also have far more people standing before you on a Sunday afternoon than you ever would as a bishop. I believe there is a handy spot available by the football stadium. Good luck.

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DEAR DIERDRE: I and several others recently disrupted a meeting of the General Synod of the Church of England to protest against the shocking treatment of gay bishop Jeffrey John.

This so-called "church" is nothing more than a homophobic edifice of hate, fuelled by ignorance and bigotry. We're determined to fight this by any means possible. Sadly, we only know one method — storming into some televised event shouting and waving placards.

We're stumped. Can you think of any other way we could get our point across? Peter, London

DIERDRE SAYS: Yes, I saw your performance on the news. Very vocal. One technique I would recommend which might work for you personally is to have yourself bricked up inside a cellar with no food and water until the Church of England welcomes homosexuals into the fold. It's a pretty powerful statement and you can shout as much as you like down there without upsetting anyone unnecessarily.