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Northants police celebrate eradication of all serious crime

There was a twirling of ceremonial truncheons this weekend as Northants Police announced they have reduced the level of serious crime in their area to virtually zero, recognising just one such crime this quarter.

Northants chief commissioner, Charles Fox, proudly announced the results to a packed press conference. Wearing his red-and-gold "Head Boy" badge presented to him the day before by home secretary David Blindgit, Fox explained his remarkable working methods: "After a careful study of the crime figures, we decided to make speeding the main focus of our crime reduction efforts. To this end, we now have only three crimes that we categorise as 'serious'. These are speeding, driving too fast and not sticking to the speed limit.

"By concentrating on these appalling crimes," he continued, "and recording only those that we haven't solved with the use of speed cameras and hefty fines, we have reduced them to an impressive figure of one and that's because I was in an emergency situation and had to break the limit. Northants is now a better and safer place to live — one where people drive a bit slower."

When questioned about other crimes, such as burglary, muggings and sexual assaults — all of which have risen dramatically in the Northants area, chief Fox was sanguine: "Obviously there are other areas where we could improve but it's a question of priorities. I don't think anyone would argue that doing 75 miles-per-hour on a deserted motorway is a more serious offence than, say, mugging an old lady."

He continued: "A speeding car is like a loaded gun and driving too quickly is akin to going into a children's nursery and randomly spraying automatic gunfire. And you show me a granny who would give you £100 every time you caught a mugger."

Catching muggers and buglars are also a "ineffective use of resources" explained Fox. "Catching criminals outside of cars is extremely difficult and time consuming. We did get one image of someone leaving the scene of a crime clutching a colour television but he wasn't wearing a numberplate so we have been unable to identify him. Short of filling the streets with well-trained, motivated officers constantly on the look out for wrongdoing, I fail to see what we can do about it these problems.

"Instead it makes far more sense to concentrate our resources on a problem that we can have an immediate impact on. Burglary and other such crime is often due to poverty and mentality — these are not easy things to change. But once someone has had to pay several speeding fines, you find their attitude changes. This is sustainable, profitable policing at its best."

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