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This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2003/07/14/rowan-raunchbitch-twelve.html.
Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers
This month: Group sex
by Rowan Raunchbitch
It has been more than a year since I wrote my first column for The Rockall Times — an illuminating piece on threesomes which I like to think pushed back the envelope of the British sexual psyche.
It really has been a gusset-moistening voyage of discovery for myself and The Erotic Digest team, not least for office girl Gemma, who began her tenure here as a shy, trembling virgin but who is now a cock-hungry sex tigress with seventeen labial piercings to prove it.
Indeed, it is young Gemma who has provoked this month's radical departure for this column. Normally, I would provide the adventurous reader with insights as to how they might reach a state of multiply-orgasmic nirvana via a white-knuckle ride of erotic experimentation. However, I'm afraid that I am unable at this time to address this month's topic of "Group sex", which will doubtless disappoint those looking for pointers in this area.
Be that as it may, I have decided not to discuss the means by which suburban couples inject spice into their jaded relationships by simply having sex with lots of other people at the same time. The reason? Well, Gemma has just completed an exhausting week raising funds for the Rockall Ho! charity appeal in aid of Mental Health Media.
It's a terrific effort by the girl which involved offering employees of local businesses a menu of sexual favours linked to a sliding scale of sponsorship. "Executive relief" proved popular at five pounds a pop, as did "Suck and swallow" for a reasonable £15. All in all, Gemma was able to complete five hundred pounds worth of golden showers, frot and girl-on-girl, culminating in a spectacular display at the local sports bar where, in front of 1,000 marketing and adsales boys (all with ties suitably loosened) she brought herself to a shattering climax by rubbing her engorged pudenda up and down a greasy pole to the delight of the baying mob.
Thor Hungstallion too has been busy swelling the cause's coffers by fumbling around in the trousers of the local gay community for both hideously empurpled members and hard cash. The accounts department is still counting the proceeds of his "Rockall Blo!" daisy-chain-suck extravaganza in a nearby park especially designated by the council for homosexual acts.
As for me, I have told my partner that I am prepared — upon presentation of a large cheque — to handle his penis with my bare hands until it becomes erect. Furthermore, he may then penetrate me without the use of the sheet with a hole in it and pump vigorously up and down until he achieves successful discharge of semen into my vagina. If he pays in cash, he can also rub my breasts lightly for up to one minute and dispense with the condom. I don't think you can say fairer than that.
So, there'll be no girl-on-girl-on-boy-on-girl-on-boy from me until the readers of The Rockall Times lovingly tease open their wallets like a whore's beef curtains and ejaculate some cash into the Rockall Ho! charity appeal. You can do it right here, right now:
Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest
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From The Rockall Times Monday 14th July 2003
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.