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Bowker's vow: Hot weather won't affect rail services

Following reports that the unseasonable weather afflicting the whole of Britain is all set to continue, experts have expressed concerns that speed restrictions of 60mph might be necessary across the whole rail network, thus bringing the United Kingdom to its knees as millions are delayed on their vital journeys to the seaside or airport.

Nevertheless, speaking via satellite link from his temporary office on Barbados — where he is holidaying with a close friend of Cliff Richards' — Strategic Rail Authority large Stilton Dickie Bowker told the public not to worry: "I'm on the case duderinos".

Pausing only to take a well-deserved sip of his giant Long Screw of The Public Purse cocktail, the tanned and fit Bowker explained: "If anyone thinks that any train actually running is going to be adversely affected by being restricted to 60mph, then think again. On my watch no service is ever going to get anywhere near that speed. In any case, the human body can't stand velocities greater than thirty, can it?"

While undoing yet another button undone on his Thomas Pink shirt, Bowker took the opportunity to praise Virgin Trains under the leadership of "transport visionary" Richard Branson for their record over the past year: "What Virgin has done is fantastic. They've promised to provide the travelling public with a better service at a better price. Why can't other companies be like them? Can I have my old job back now Richard?"

Meanwhile, rail pundits have dismissed as scaremongery reports that up to eight million miles of buckled track may have to be replaced should the merciless sun continue its rampage of destruction across British skies. "Nah," confirmed one man taking a well-earned break from trackside maintenance by sleeping for seven hours in a Transit parked near Theydon Bois station. "We'll just leave the track as it is and wait for a freight train to come off the rails and hit a passenger express. Then we'll shut the whole network down for three months until the government cough up a further £30billion. Now if you'll excuse me my shift finishes in three hours and I'm trying to get my head down."

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