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'Britain could be swamped by 2050'

According to a report published yesterday, Britain is likely to be literally "swamped" within the next fifty years. The report, made by "Aquarium" — one of the country's foremost policy-making fish tanks, and based on the latest, current, projections represents one of the starkest warnings yet of the need to consider the long-term in government policy making.

"Within a few decades," said Dr. Spike Herring, acting as spokesman for the group, "the runaway effects of global warming will probably mean that ninety percent of the U.K is underwater. I'd like to see how we'll go about integrating all the immigrants then."

"Right now," he continued, "it's easy enough for many people to imagine that there isn't a problem. It all seems very remote if you live in Chelsea or the Home Counties, or possibly Torquay. But in the future, none of those will exist any more. Everyone will be crammed into places like Wigan or Middlesboro which are crawling with wogs already, fighting for their cultural identity against vast pirate fleets of Vietnamese boat people.

"Also, I heard that there are Indians in the Andes with lung capacities up to twice the average. Who's to say they won't develop the capacity to breathe underwater like Kevin Costner did in Waterworld? They could swim over and set up a fascist dictatorship under which we'd all be forced to make hideous woven baskets and play the pan pipes."

Although generally downbeat about the future of the nation, Dr. Herring did feel that there was one reason for optimism, however. "The government have been useless," he said. "They have been as spineless as jellyfish and as lacking in vision as those things that live in the perpetual darkness at the bottom of the ocean trenches. But as ever, the Royal Family have presented a refreshing contrast. In becoming the captain of his university's water polo team, Wills is an example to us all. Despite what must have been a devastating blow in the tragic loss of his mother, he has shown a maturity and foresight well beyond his years. It is my fond hope that he will grow up to lead a small but heroic band of true blue British swimming champions to one day liberate his people in a heroic underwater jousting match against the evil slitty eyed invaders and their fishy allies."

"But," he sighed, "maybe that's just too much to hope for."

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