Top celebrities queue up to lambaste Rockall debacle

Two of Britain's best-known and best-loved celebrities — Bono and Sting — have spoken out strongly against the recent effort to land on the lonely and untamed island of Rockall by a group of hype-crazed sensation seekers which ended in utter failure and humiliation.

The attempt, that took place at the end of July, was led by Lester Haines — a man who has multiple entries on the Police National Computer and whose escapades in a lap-dancing club with Heather Mills in Hull are only now coming to their warranted prominence.

Ecologists had written long reports on the harm likely to be done to the delicate eco-system when the so-called Rockall Ho! assault team — a motley crew of social misfits and shoplifting single parents — eventually set slippery foot on the sacred soil, or rather rock, of Fuc*kall. Entreaties by concerned parties to the organisers met with derision. The only explanation given for the planned trip was "because it's there".

Luckily for the future of humanity, the two gifted singers — both normally shy and reticent in the public eye — have spoken of their horror at the proposed 2004 expedition, and experts now predict that the islet will be protected by a cordon of tree-huggers playing guitars for the whole of next year's "Rockall Season" (June-August).

"I looked on this as a violation of the natural order of things", commented Oirish superstar Bono pausing only to push back his organic designer sunglasses. "There was no need for it. I think they were just a bunch of gratuitous publicity-seekers."

"Rockall is a rare and precious habitat for rare and precious wildlife," exploded Geordie Sting to reporters, "and I don't think our children or our children's children, or our children's children would thank us for allowing those guys to go there unchallenged."

Furthermore, in a joint statement released to a man walking past their PR company's offices, Bono and Sting declared: "We are firmly of the opinion that there should be no further attempt. We believe that those taking part in this disastrous escapade will have learnt nothing from its failure".

We contacted The Rockall Times for a quote but were told that the editors were too busy editing a sarcastic contributor's piece regarding their recent failure to get onto Rockall to comment.