I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Internet chat rooms: Lock up your daughters

The case of 12-year-old schoolgirl Shevaun Pennington who ran off with a 31-year-old ex-marine after meeting him in a chat room highlights a problem which is becoming all to common on the Internet — the tendency for people to be less than entirely honest when describing themselves in cyberspace.

Only last month 30-year-old farmer John Honest of Yorkshire was horrified to discover that the new wife he believed to be 17 was in fact 87. John had maintained a six-month relationship through a chat room called "Young Fillies for Old Duffers" and had invited Doris to his farm to see if they would hit it off in the real world. Romance blossomed and within the year they presented themselves at Thirsk registry office. It was only after Doris was asked to produce her birth certificate that the registrar noticed the anomaly. "What really annoys me," said John, "is that I quite unnecessarily hid her in the wardrobe for six months because I thought she was 15 at the time."

Even professionals are not exempt from this sort of deception. Barbara Woods a dog trainer from Bristol recently discovered an "Alsatian" she had been training on the internet for three months turned out in fact to be a Firemen from Manchester. "I had no way of telling", said Barbara. "All he ever said was woof woof. He sounded so much like an Alsatian I had known in Dorking. I had no way of knowing".

Perhaps the worst case of deception however was that of Northampton nun Maria Von Strapp who was horrified to discovered she had being having cybersex for six months with a goat called Bert. The goat had maintained throughout the relationship that he was in fact a Donkey called Daren and was "hung like a stallion".

Maria followed all the guidelines for using chat rooms and had agreed to meet Daren in a "safe open place" (in fact a field in Sussex). She was shocked however when she arrived at Bambridge Farm and found that Daren was in fact a goat. "I knew at once something was odd", said sister Maria, "when I saw his little beard and horns. I'm not saying I'm the world expert in donkeys but I just sensed something wasn't quite right. I mean we still 'did it', but it wasn't quite the same somehow."

To help parents ensure that their kiddies are not deceived in this way, The Rockall Times has complied this cut-out-and-keep list of handy pointers:

1. When you meet someone ask them if they really truthfully are who they say they are. This is very important
2. If they send you a photo of Brad Pitt and say: "Like this with red hair", then stop and think! Do you really want to be seen with a Brad Pitt look-alike with red hair?
3. If you do agree to meet someone, choose somewhere safe and public, like a subway. (Preferably not during the day when it would be busy and hard to pick out someone wearing a carnation)
4. Take lots of money in case you suddenly have to take a taxi home
5. Take your passport in case you have to leave the country in an emergency
6. Don't tell anyone you are going to meet someone from a chat room. People will just laugh at you and think you are a bit sad
7. Don't take along personal alarms. This gives out the wrong signal to a man who may well be meeting a real woman for the very first time
8. Wear minimal clothing: otherwise a man may think you are hiding a weapon and shoot you indiscriminately

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Society’ index page