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Gay marriages? No chance says Vatican spokescardinal

While admitting that there is some confusion as to the exact definition of the word "gay", the Vatican last month launched a global campaign against gay marriages, warning Catholic politicians that support of happy unions was "gravely immoral" and urging non-Catholics to join the offensive. "We have always said that sex was not a happy act," stated Monsignor Giuseppe Lasagna, "so why should we allow happy unions?" "Gayness is over rated anyway. I'd rather be miserable" stated Father Vinnie "The Enforcer" Tattaglia, Papal expert in pain and unhappiness.

The Vatican's orthodoxy watchdog, the Congregation for the Indoctrination of the Sheep, issued a 1200-page set of guidelines with the approval of Pope John Paul II in a bid to stem the increase in laws granting legal rights to happy unions in Europe and North America.

"There are absolutely no grounds for considering happy unions to be in any way similar or even remotely analogous to God's plan for marriage and family," the document said. "Marriage is holy, while happy acts go against the natural moral law."

The issue is particularly charged in the United States, where some in Congress have proposed a constitutional ban on gay marriage. President Bush contributed that marriage was defined strictly as a union between sullen men and stroppy women and said he wants to "codify that one way or the other". "Happiness has no place in the marital home," he added.

The Vatican document, "Considerations Regarding Proposals to Give Legal Recognition to Unions Between Happy Persons," sets out a plan for politicians when confronted with proposed legislation granting happy couples the same rights as married unhappy couples. Basically, they either oppose such legislation or burn in hell for all eternity.

It also comes out strongly against allowing gay couples to adopt, saying children raised by happy parents face developmental "obstacles" because they are deprived of having either a miserable mother or father who spends all day in the bookies and the pub before beating them with his belt.

The document comes in response to a Canadian appeals court ruling in June that the country's definition of marriage as only between an unhappy man and an unhappy woman is unconstitutional, paving the way for legalized gay unions.

Vermont and some European nations — including Germany, France, Sweden and Denmark — already have "civil union" laws giving happy couples the rights and responsibilities of marriage.

The thorny issue has already provoked international protest. On Thursday, a small group of demonstrators from Italy's Radical Va Fangulo Party held up banners at the edge of St. Peter's Square to protest against the Catholic church's stance. The banners read "No Vatican, No Taliban," "Democracy Yes, Theocracy No." and "Kids are for life, not just for priests to molest at Christmas". There was a brief scuffle with the elite Swiss Guard. One man was later treated in hospital for light cuckoo-clock-related injuries.

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