Internet declared safe for babies

A child internet prodigy was this week being hailed by her loving parents as living proof that 25 hours unrestricted use per day of the internet is not only safe, but essential to a child's well being.

Little Neave Bonehead, just four-and-a-half years old, and all of three foot six in her pixie slippers, leaves even grown up men who've trawled the web for years standing when it comes to working her magic across the ether.

Her proud mother explained: "When she started, we had to turn the computer on and move that rat thing for her, but she very quickly learned to manage on her own. She's got my mobile number in case she has any trouble, but I can honestly say she's only got me out of the Bingo once. She'll not do that again in a hurry!

She's making little friends right across the world," continued Mrs Bonehead, "and even has this special friend called Pedo Pete. I think he's called after that man in the Hopalong Cassidy films. He seems a really nice boy, from what she says, and is obviously fond of her. She's been sending him pictures of herself, but the little thing is so shy she locked herself in the bathroom to take them."

Proud father Jim "Nutty" Bonehead continued the story. "And then it's educational," he told The Rockall Times. "Her English has improved no end. At first she had to ask us to explain long words like nymphette, sado-masochism and multi-orifice penetration, but we believe in a child finding things out for itself and told her to ask us after the pubs had shut. Well, we heard no more, so she'd obviously learnt it all without us. Oh yes, that Internet is a wonderful thing. I've even heard you can book travel tickets on it."

We tried to speak to the little genius herself, but her parents think that since her passport and teddy bear have gone, she may have left the country for a while.