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How to save time on the internet and use it to have sex with other people

Oversized and over-bloated governments should look no further than internet users for ways to save time and to become much more efficient. By abbreviating common words and phrases, these pale trailblazers have learned how to save precious typing time.

Some examples include:

LOL: Which stands for "laugh out loud". A phrase that you'll use... well, almost never. But, it will give you a little more street cred than using the smiley face, i.e. :) -- which runs the risk of telling the world that you're a twelve-year-old girl.

BRB: Means "be right back". It can also mean "sitting on this computer chair for so long has caused constipation and I have to go eat a bran muffin". See how much time BRB saves?

NEWAY: Which is internet talk for "anyway". This is a saving of one single keystroke. See how frugal these people are? They'll do anything to save time, even if it means completely baffling 97 per cent of people who are reading what they wrote. A small price to pay for increase time-motion efficiency.

Sometimes the above abbreviations can even be combined: "Neway, Peter DeWolf has more writings that will make you LOL over at www.peterdewolf.com"

With all of this extra time on their hands, internetters can now spend their hours looking for pictures of T3's Kristanna Loken, sending letters of complaint to Popular Science magazine for that misleading first word, and for writing half-assed articles for fake news websites. *Insert nervous laughter*

And at the end of his or her life, the thrifty internet user will have saved literally hours using these methods. Sadly, even with all this extra time, they still won't be able to look back on ever having had full sex with another adult.

Editorial note

Keen-eyed readers will have noticed that Mr DeWolf has put in a link to his own site and a self-referential allusion to the article he is writing in the article itself.

Normally, we frown on such practices, but hope that the kudos he will doubtless gain from publication will help him finally achieve the first tentative sexual fumblings he doubtless deserves. Good luck!

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