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World's first tongue transplant patient doing well

Doctors who have performed what they claim is the world's first successful tongue transplant, say the patient's wife is ecstatic and looks forward to some "fun" in the near future in the form of a different kind of "tongue lashing" to that normally meted out by her husband.

The team of doctors from New York's Der Schmuck Hospital held a press conference on Tuesday to give further details of the groundbreaking operation, which took place on Sunday. They said the patient is alive and doing better than had been anticipated. "We thought he was a gonner for sure," stated Hospital Administrator Wilhelm Grossbutt. "This operation has never been performed in the past and was done without our approval, I was ready to call our attorneys in preparation for a big law suit but I guess everything is ok now," he stated to a group of curious onlookers and a reporter from the National Enquirer.

According to medical staff, blood appears to be circulating normally in the patient's new tongue and there has been no sign of him rejecting the organ. There is, however, the possibility that the organ will reject the patient, specially after it finds out just what an asshole he has been.

The 52-year-old man, a former member of the house of representatives in Texas, who has not been named, had been suffering from "foot in mouth" disease and had insulted everyone in his town, the Governor of the state and had called the President "your royal ass" at a reception at the White House last March.

This meant that his tongue had to be removed. Surgeons spent 14 hours removing the offending organ and attaching a new tongue, which was donated by the family of a Franciscan monk who passed away from sheer boredom at a monastery in Northern California last week.

Dr Wolf Frankenstein, who lead the operating team, said he hoped that with his new tongue the patient would be able to talk and eat as normal, but that he would be physically incapable of "shooting his trap off" in future. The latter will not be confirmed until the patient utters his first words under the guidance of his new tongue.

Dr. Frankenstein added that he hoped the operation would become an everyday procedure over the next few years and that further insensitive and stupid people could have tongue transplants. "We are particularly thrilled at the thought of Republicans and Tele-evangelists undergoing this procedure," stated a visibly excited Dr. Frankenstein during an early morning interview on Good Morning America.

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