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New Tube plans shaping up nicely

London Mayor Ken Livingstone has spoken of his pride at some of the "great new ideas" that have been proposed by new Tube boss Timmy O'Toole who he recently appointed.

Jointly hosting a press conference, the two men set out their vision for a better future for all those prepared to travel in a hundred degrees of heat with their sweating faces pushed up hard against someone else's even sweatier armpit.

O'Toole has decided that the best way to repair the various lines in need of structural updating is to shut them down for months and months on end preventing anyone using them at all and getting stuck. Estimates produced by TfL experts show that this method will save several hours of repair work and that alternative transport will be available via the thousands of Bendy Buses now clogging up London's streets.

"This will not apply to all lines," O'Toole stressed to a cheering throng of drivers at the Edgware Road depot who will continue to receive their pay even when there is no work to do. "Only the Jubilee, Northern, Piccadilly, Bakerloo, Central, Victoria, Metropolitan, Hammersmith & City, District, and Circle will be affected. The East London Line will run as normal — indeed we will provide one extra service a day to both New Cross and New Cross Gate to cope with the increased numbers".

After being showered with rose petals by happy staff, O'Toole left by taxi for a date with Bob Kiley at the Big Apple Bar n' Grill above Aldwych station. The Mayor remained behind to deliver a pep talk to an excited crowd of bendy bus social inclusion staff, registered busker support personnel, and motorway cycle lane facilitators.

"For too long," said the shy Livingstone, "the dullards running London Underground have been fixated on running train services so people can get from A to B. That is just so last century. In many cases the journeys are aren't much fun and people end up stuck between stations. Timmy's proposal that will see most lines closed for months and months will mean no one can get stuck on the Tube in the first place."

O'Toole's plans for running a service for Londoners to be proud of have soared with the appointment of his new Director of Community Resource Diversity Suzan Lindsay Randle from Watford.

"Suzan knows as much about her subject as I do about mine," O'Toole told sceptical hacks from the dailies as well an awe-struck babe from The Londoner ("free to all in the capital and very good value") who wrote everything down to be printed verbatim later. "She can do for the Tube in London what she did for the Tube in Watford."

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