BBC crisis: World likely to stop turning on axis

Last week's shock resignation of BBC supremo Greg Dyke — provoked by Lord Hutton's revelation that the Corporation had in every sense failed to adhere to its journalistic remit of laying off Tony Blair and sticking instead to stories about cats stuck up trees — has rocked British broadcasting to the thirteen-inch slab of expense claims on which its foundations rest.

Indeed, BBC journalists quickly launched a series of protests aimed at the reinstatement of their beloved Capo. More than one million irate hacks signed their names to a newspaper petition insisting Dyke to be "a really good bloke", and further indicating his commitment to the ethical treatment of small, defenceless animals.

On Sunday, one Buddhist production assistant from BBC Look East torched himself in front of the American Embassy in London in the mistaken belief it was the seat of power in the United Kingdom. At Broadcasting House, three enraged sports correspondents have so far spent 87 hours barricaded in a broom cupboard. Insiders confirm the trio will not end their "dirty protest" until either the government apologises to Mr Dyke or their limited supply of sparkling mineral water with a hint of peach is exhausted, whichever comes soonest.

Meanwhile, BBC news schedules have been cleared for the next eight months to accomodate wall-to-wall punditry speculating wildly on the future of the BBC in light of the Hutton report, the implications for the BBC of the Hutton report, how the BBC will survive the Hutton report, whether or not the Hutton report threatens the very existence of the BBC, and how Lord Hutton's report will change the face of British television forever.

Already in production is a 100 Greatest Hutton Report Pundits of All Time, which will give viewers their chance to vote — at a cost of 25p per text plus network charges — on their favourite Hutton-related talking head. All proceeds from the show will go towards an enormous wreath for Dr David Kelly.

Furthermore, the great British viewing public may soon have their say on Mr Dyke's replacement. Whitehall sources indicate Tony Blair favours a jungle-challenge-style televisual extravanganza to select the next director general.

Tentatively entitled I've Got Integrity... Get Me Out Of Here!, the programme will require respective candidates to undergo a number of gruelling ordeals in the quest to head the world's greatest media empire. These include:

• Spending three weeks with BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond
• Watching an entire series of Mad about Alice in one sitting
• Watching an entire series of Mad about Alice in one sitting in the company of BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond
• Listening to the producers of Mad about Alice pitching their next hilarious sitcom: Even Madder about Alice
• Repulsing the advances of Anthea Turner and Vannessa Feltz offering sexual favours in return for a terrestrial TV comeback of any description
• Repulsing the advances of Robert Kilroy-Silk (see below) offering sexual favours in return for a terrestrial TV comeback of any description
• Repulsing the advances of John Leslie (see below) offering sexual favours from Abi Titmuss in return for a terrestrial TV comeback of any description
• Repulsing the advances of Jordan (see below) offering sexual favours not in return for anything in particular but because she thinks you're a footballer
• Close examination of Government reports on Weapons of Mass Destruction™ to determine whether they have been artificially "sexed up"
• Close examination of a BBC expenses claim form to determine whether it has been artificially "sexed up"
• Close examination of Kerry McFadden's tits to determine whether they have been artificially "sexed up"

Naturally, internal BBC and freelance roving international pundits have already launched a tsunamic speculationfest as to the potential candidates. Here, exclusively and for the first time, are the six front-runners as revealed to The Rockall Times by a government insider who has since killed himself with a penknife:

	Vlad the Impaler: Big on integrity, big on rhetoric and potentially tough on crime and the causes of crime, Mr Vlad favours punishing transgressing journos by nailing their hats to their heads. If selected, Vlad would certainly be the first Romanian to hold the DG's post and possibly the first BBC Godfather to have executed dinner guests by impaling them on stakes. He would, however, first have to quit his part-time job hurling sneering abuse at the Labour Party. That aside, his no-nonsense, no-apology attitude must make him a front runner for this most challenging of remits.
	Jordan: People's favourite Jordan is currently way out in front in the polls and way out in front in the chest department having recently increased her bust size to a record-breaking 36JJJJ. The highly-talented model, although not considered an intellectual heavyweight, would certainly be able to assist the BBC in regaining Premiership coverage rights since she has allegedly had sex with every single top-flight footballer in Britain, plus coaching staff, plus apprentices, and has orally pleasured the Manchester United merchandising shop staff on several occassions. Strongly backed by The News of the World, Jordan has promised to put a smile back on the face of each and every BBC staff member — personally and no matter how long it takes.
	John Leslie: Disgraced former TV presenter Leslie has now put paid to any chance he has of returning to television when it was revealed that he SLAUGHTERED and ATE stunning busty BLONDE Abi Titmuss after luring her via the INTERNET to his German HOUSE OF HORRORS and VIDEOED his depraved devil-worship cocaine death ORGY. Shame, really, because he looks like such a nice boy.
	Robert Kilroy-Silk: Known in the trade as "The Clockwork Orange", Kilroy-Silk recently departed our screens after insulting ragheads world-wide with a foul and racist outburst in a Sunday newspaper. Silk is reported to be writing gags for Bernard Manning pending approval of his new daytime show Women, eh? What the fuc*k use are they to anyone? which will deal with a range of burning questions of the moment such as why mothers-in-law are always fat and Arab birds have moustaches. Good tan, though.
	Andrew Gilligan: Top journalist Gilligan fulfils all of the necessary requirements for the director general's post. He's a battle-hardened political hack, has experience of working at the BBC and with government and is, crucially, currently unemployed after an unfortunate incident involving a dossier and a suicidal boffin.
	Tony Blair: In reality the only person in the UK competent to run anything at all, and most certainly the BBC. A man of vision and integrity, Blair can rely on strong support for any project on which he embarks, including the Army, Navy and Royal Air Force. Likely to bomb BBC News back to the Stone Age, then follow up with ground troops for a long-term and bloody occupation of the Corporation. Under Blair's "New Beeb", schedules to be filled with more Teletubbies — said to be home secretary David Blunkett's main source of policy inspiration.

On tomorrow's Six O'clock News: Whitherhenceforth the BBC?

Our guest panel of top pundits answers the question on everyones's lips: How can Western civilisation possibly survive the total collapse of the BBC in the wake of the Hutton report?

And later in the programme...

Cat stuck up tree gives his verdict on the long-term effect on the BBC of Lord Hutton's damning report.