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Highways Agency celebrates gritting triumph

There was much back slapping at the Highways Agency this week, after another top-draw performance during the recent cold snap. Despite having a mere seven days' advance notice of the impending wintery apocalypse, the Agency managed to very nearly do something to prevent utter chaos on Britain's roads.

"It was our best effort yet," beamed Agency Director Hilary Chipping. "Admittedly we had a lucky break when one of the lads managed to catch something on the radio about incoming cold weather, but it was still a professional performance. Working twelve or sometimes thirteen minute days, we had at least two gritting lorries full and ready to roll."

Unfortunately, despite their stirling efforts, the Agency fell at the final hurdle — that of actually getting vehicles out of the depot.

"We hadn't realised how bloody dangerous the roads would be," explained a visibly-shaken Mrs Chipping. "One of the drivers managed to get to the entrance gates but quite frankly it was too dangerous for him to go any further. He was all over the place. I've never seen anything like it. Apart from when we had all that trouble with icy roads last year of course."

"What we really needed was someone to grit the roads before sending out the gritters," she added. "It didn't help that the snow plough driver couldn't get in due to snow. In the end, we had to send out the cleaner on a skidoo to rescue him but she got bogged down in a nasty drift outside Basingstoke."

Despite these minor hiccups, the Agency has hit all its performance targets for the year — due in large part to its 100 per cent record of keeping the roads free of snow and ice during the notorious May to August period.

A quick poll conducted by The Rockall Times amongst stranded motorists found overwhelming support for the gritters. One gentlemen, trapped in the mangled wreckage of his car, summed up the general consensus: "At the end of the day, you can't expect the gritters to go out in conditions like these," he wheezed through his shattered jaw. "Good God, they could come off the road and end up badly injured. A bit like me in fact."

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